ع١٥٧ 爱

2010-02-26T00:53:00.002+08:00

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

最近都好有压迫感。

加油吧！

the mental and the physical doesn't seem to cooperate with the right attitude.
generally, i'm feeling tired.
in fact of everything...
i'm sick of myself,
that i ain't patient enough...

things that sets my mind in a whirl...

the only thing that makes me happy is one;

i am the pioneer for AXA Project.

........

i hate that my mind wanders in some places where it shouldn't.

........

what am i thinking exactly...
somethings are just impossible, i hate to tap on the impossible outlet and imagine that it's possible still...

........

generally i think i'm just an unhappy person.

........

loyalty is bad. lOls.

新年了

2010-02-14T00:19:00.009+08:00

新年快乐！！！

以下是我的个人2010运势~！！！

2010年本命主体运势

今年的你，动态能量旺盛，仿佛一刻也静不下来。

脑海中有所想法，便迫不及待地着手进行

（真的吗？哈哈哈。。。希望是这样就好~~~）

2010年恋情桃花类型

恋情桃花方面，

有机会结识性情温和、风度翩翩的男性…

（如果出现了记得要向我表白哦。。。

哇哈哈哈。。。

我可是要看有多么风度翩翩啊～）

2010年事业功名表现

相对于以往，今年你在工作方面的自信新大增，

对于未来的规划也将更清楚

（太好了！！！这样是最理想的！）

2010年人际交友特质

受到朋友宫磁场影响，

显示你今年在人际关系方面，

特别容易与热情开朗的人做朋友

（woooo~~~ 我的生活要改变了！！！

哈哈哈，开心的时刻到了！）

Chapter 104: Year 2010

2010-01-03T01:46:00.002+08:00

LOL!!

I'd say that the words I wanna write become so long overdue, that I had forgotten so much about what I had previously felt so much to pull it off on my keyboard! Ah! With a blink of an eye, Year 2009 had finally kicked off it's showdown and Year 2010 is my Big Bang to forming all my supernovas and galaxies! SHINE ON BABE!

nuff said, I'd start off by writing my New Year Resolution 2010.

I will be an owner of my company, incorporated as, "Links Marketing International".

It sounds juicy yea?
Anyway, these are my goals and timeline as below. I'll do my best to accomplish it within the given date-line.

14 Jan 2010 - 2nd Team Mate (Private Recruit)
30 Jan 2010 - Promotion of Corporate Trainer
01 Feb 2010 - 3rd Team Mate (Private Recruit)
14 Feb 2010 - Team Manager Promotion
01 May 2010 - Assistant Manager Promotion
30 June 2010 - Ownership Promotion

My latest Promotional Date towards Ownership will be on Lewis's birthday, being a present for him as well. CHECK ME OUT.

Now for my own present.
07 Jan 2010 is my 24th Birthday.
And, I'd received my present from Mr. Lewis Tang
.
.
.
Guess what? hmmm...

I'd received a 0.42 Carat Diamond Ring from him! AHHHH...!!! Yes of course I'm bursting with happiness, needless to say. At the same time I've been thinking how it would be like if I receive my proposal ring? Will the feeling be more amplified? wahahaha... worth a think yea?

From scouting an iphone, to a blackberry, to a pair of diamond earrings, all the way down to a Solitaire diamond ring. This is not the first time i received a diamond ring or any diamond presents... Just that, this ring that brings a special message to me tells me that my identity won't stay on as a "MISS" for a long time... Are you smart enough to get me? hmmm... o.o

Some presents that I really wish to get are as below:

Blackberry Bold 9700
DS Lite
A good pair of Leather shoes for work

Now i'm just wondering, if i should work on my birthday which falls on a Thursday.

I don't really care if anyone celebrates my birthday with me, I'm just concern, if anyone remembers it... It's always so sad and lonely to know none of my friends knows when my birthday is coming. Not comforting hor? haha.

Great to know these few things which makes me happy all day long.

I have a great family; Perfect Mum, Dad and Sis
I have a great boyfriend; My perfect husband-to-be
I have a great career; Links Marketing International
I have a great team; My employees in my company

WOO HOO!!!

YEAR 2010! 拭目以待！

Chapter 103: Advancement

2009-11-08T23:46:00.002+08:00

I really don't know what to say when I get to this topic on Advancement.

I had led my life (previously) as someone who really doesn't have much importance in other eyes, be it in decision making or having a strong passion in any area.

On 7th October, I promoted my first leader, Jessica Chong. Now i'm a leader myself and i got to learn to train people who's in my team. Seriously, I hadn't been giving any serious thoughts for it. What should I start thinking? Really, how can i really value add my team? Sometimes it's really more like she's motivating me than I do the job.

Shd i get her an Obs before I get my 2nd Gen?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

anyways... will just jiayou to be consistent in my sale.

somehow i will get to the end and taste the fruit of success.

won't i?

or..

will i?

Chapter 102: Passion

2009-10-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

Passion

I'd decided to be passionate over watches. Ooh~ sounds a little bit "over"? How did one expect themselves to get all excited over Patek Phillippe when they couldn't even understand how that price was quoted on it? Neither do i. Nevertheless, it's always good to have a passion and since mine's on watches, it should be good that if I ever owned a piece of Patek, it's more than what I am paying for on a monthly basis on insurance. LOL!

Other than just watches alone, I think i'm really one of those few selected "human being" who has great empathy for people who lost their motivation, enthusiasm, or are lifeless in totality. Somehow I attract people who deemed themselves as failure, people who went out of love, or people who couldn't find anything excited in life to me. WTH! I'm just like one of them. At the end of the day after I gave them my "fire", I ended up with a big bag of sorrows which I need to work hard to digest. Can you just imagine after all the battle I fought for them, on the other line my mother called me and got my top shrill instead? LOL! Ironically.

Passion also goes for DiAMONd of course. It has never been a dying passion. It's just that these days diamond went "cliche". Meaning, it seemed common to own one now. Everyone's wearing it!!! Open ur eyes big big peeps! I'm starting to think if I need to manoeuvre my focus towards some other gem pieces. Or perhaps! Designer diamond! Well, my dream still goes to Tiffany&Co. Diamonds~

Should I take up a hobby? A lot of my peers had recently took up Photography. Actually it does sound fun. But at the same time it didn't seem that much "appealing" to me so I didn't really went all in for it. Look, I've only got one camera, not good enough for those professional shots of course... it's only a Canon Ixus. >((( Can't imagine myself getting very involved in it really... I can't imagine myself spending 9000+ for the "CHEAPEST" Kodak Camera (German lens, supposedly better than Japan's) wHOa~!

SO that makes my hobby in Comics now. Woahohoho. Maybe in due time I may just splurge around $1500 on a big bookshelve where I am able to shelter all my comics or novels. *hehe* OPPs, i know it aint any "passion", but what can I do for now? What do I like leh? Hur! Should I learn from some make up artist on professional makeup technique? My heart goes to Cosmetic too. *Loves*

ahhh...

that's it. hehe.

Chapter 101: Reborn

2009-10-06T00:57:00.002+08:00

Reborn is the theme of this month.

October - I'd finally completed all my driving lessons and I'd revealed this little "secret" to Lewis. Ah HA! This should end my "misery" of keeping my enthusiastic level low. hahaha!

Ok, here are some mini goals I wanna achieve it in due time!

New HandBag : LV Eva Clutch = $900 By October End
Blackberry Bold : New Handphone! = $960 By End November
Bobby Brown : Nude Make Up = $300 By End December
Phuket Trip: Phi Phi Island!!! = $1000 By January 2010
Beaute de Kose : Facial set = $500 By January 2010
FiL facial package : 24 months = $1500 By February 2010
New Watch : Rectangle Face with Diamond Hour Pin = $2500 By March 2010

Motivatedddddd!!!!!

By da way, my TP Test date is on my daddy bday, hope with such a date i will be blessed and pass my TP altogether!!! =D at 11am!!!

=DDD

Chapter 100: Achievements

2009-09-13T01:25:00.003+08:00

曲名：心愿便利贴
歌手：命中注定我爱你

元若蓝&吴忠明 - 心愿便利

贴词:陈静楠

曲:方文良唱片 - OST-命中注定我爱你

一天一天贴近你的心你开心我关心

一点一滴我都能感应你是我最美的相信

等不到双子座流星雨洒满天际

先点燃九支仙女棒代替

最灿烂不一定要许多钻石黄金

看你眼睛有幸福的倒影

把你的讨厌宅急便送到天边

平凡的傻事用了心变成经典

存满满的心愿便利贴贴成无限

就是我们最富有的宣言

把你的喜欢每一天复习两遍

惊喜的预言我的天通通应验

你和我的心愿便利贴贴心里面

收集感动给以后怀念

*等不到双子座流星雨洒满天际

先点燃九支仙女棒代替

最灿烂不一定要许多钻石黄金

看你眼睛有幸福的倒影

把你的讨厌宅急便送到天边

平凡的傻事用了心变成经典

存满满的心愿便利贴贴成无限

就是我们最富有的宣言

把你的喜欢每一天复习两遍

惊喜的预言我的天通通应验

你和我的心愿便利贴贴心里面收集感动给以后怀念

DALADALA......

把你的讨厌宅急便送到天边

平凡的傻事用了心变成经典

存满满的心愿便利贴贴成无限

就是我们最富有的宣言

把你的喜欢每一天复习两遍

惊喜的预言都为你提早应验

你和我的心愿便利贴贴心里面

收集感动给以后怀念

一天一天贴近你的心一点一滴我都能感应

你是最美的相信

<3<3<3

I love listening to this song.. =) Has that feeling of bliss and peace. Right now I very much wish Lewis is back. Whether or not he and I will have any activities going on, (that's because 100% of the time we stay at home dreaming and c show) I just wish him to be around so I can stick by him. LoL.

Yesterday was my promotion day. Long overdue, but I got it at last. Now I can start to recruit people to my team officially. I named my team as "LINK". The tagline is "Bridging Success!" The meaning behind of it is pretty obvious, I want to link up my people with all forms of successes, and the need to link to power to empower ourselves. The ability to link ourselves towards positivity and riches. The word behind link is like a blackhole spiral where we absorb everything to ourselves but expel those that does not bridge us to success. This should be a good start. :D

This is my 100th Post though, and I named it Achievements.

So far, I had achieved a lot that most couldn't come close as yet. In my highest pride, I state it as per below:

Promotion from Executive to a Corporate Trainer
Relationship, although long distant, is cooking on gas
Driving Licence! End December!!! WOOHOO!
Mother bought me an Apple Shuffle!

Nearest Future Short Term plans (1 Month - 3 Months):

Realise Business Facade, Practice Business Facade, "Habitualise" Business Facade
Get 2-3 Personal Recruits on team
Stage 3 Promotion
Get about 3-4 people on my team
Personal Training on Leadership
Prepare for TP
Flights to Jakarta on and off
Saving up my money - $2000
Meet up some Friends to chill out. (Miss J/ Miss M/ Jenny/ Elyn/ Ru)

As for Mid Term Goals (4 Months - 10 Months):

Get 5-10 People on my Team
TP
Stage 3 Promotion
Stage 4 Promotion
Return money to mum - Up to $5000
Buy a Diamond Pendant for Myself and Mum
Hold Frequent Interviews for Personal Recruits (3 times a week)

For Long Term Goals (1 Year - 2 Year):

Stage 4 Promotion
Branch Manager Promotion
Sustainability in Business and Relationships
Buy a White Honda Civic 1.6cc
Alternative Car : White Honda Fit
Volunteer to TBS (Alternative Saturdays)

Alright.

Jiayou for all the goals set.

Strike when Achieved.

Chapter 99: WANTS

2009-09-06T14:01:00.002+08:00

I'm back to tell myself what i WANT!
Being poor for so long I've past so many hard-to-resist temptations...

Shiseido Eyes Creator (PK366)
Shiseido Perfect Gloss (PK353)
Ettusias Perfect Multi Mascara
Bvlgari Omnia Crystalline (I GOT IT!!!)
Zen Brow Embroidery (Yew Tee Point)
2 Personal Recruits

Aiya, for the reset of it i will continue thinking den put it in... wakaka!

Currently I am planning on some places to go although now i'm ultra poor...

Jakarta
Bali
Manila
Taiwan (dying for it)

hmmm... wonder if i am able to go to even one place? LoL... with my current status i think i am really the most useless salesperson ever la.. i will jia you!

Chapter 98: Dreams

2009-08-12T01:48:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since i blogged, now i'm back to blogging some serious stuff which I had finally gathered myself and put my courage to words.

It is my 2nd driving lesson today, and the 2nd time I heard this question posed to me, "why did you not learn driving when you were 18 back then?" and "you're quite good in handling a car, you learnt it before?"

By right, if i heard all these, my peacock nature will fan out my flamboyant tail and start bragging how talented i am and tell them a whole cock and bull stories that I SHOULD CONTROL THE CAR AND NOT THE CAR CONTROL ME .... blablablablah....

I did not feel happy. Just what on earth had I been doing all these years to land me up in this state with a heavy baggage of debts unpaid for, and this sense of unimportance about myself, the parasitic state where i'm feeding on money which is not mine... Just, what had I done, which I did not get my driving license when I was 18 years old?

Looking at myself in the mirror now reminds me of how useless and rubbish I really am.

Now I'm embarking on a new career. One which I had no passion for, but a burning desire to fight out of my comfort zone ASAP. Yes. I need to start acknowledging this... "i hate sales." As much as I am hating it, I need to overcome to love it. Everyday I pray to God, "GIVE ME SALES... I NEED SALES, GIVE ME SOME SALES..." In action, I am approaching 150 people every single day. I want to write it down clearly here, because I really want to close at least 2 cc per day.

Why is it so normal and easy for so many people and I am unable to do so?!

Just what is it in myself that prevents me from getting 2 cc a DAY?!

WHY IS IT JUST ME??

NOW HOW CAN I IMPROVE MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M GETTING CRAZY!

OH GOSH... ! Oh man, oh yes, alrite. OK.

Can I start to plan that by the time Lewis Tang comes back to Singapore I'm promoted to a Corporate Trainer already? 1st October 2009.

As I see many couples traveling together to many countries, I can't help it but to start feeling envious...

While my darling he's in Jakarta, Indonesia, WE already are suffering from huge loss of income due to my uselessness. He's saving up a lot to help us to tide over and I'm still stuck with my stubbornness with my spending habits.

Sometimes I just wish I can be struck hard and impactfully, the importance of money NOW NOW NOW and i can go out to GRAB GRAB GRAB...

People asked me before.

"Laura, what is your dream? What do you aspire to be?"

I used to be unable to answer them.

However, presently, I am able to do so... PLEASE GIVE ME A 2ND CHANCE...

"My dream is to be an owner of my company. I aspire to build a huge sales force and manage them. I used to wish to have 1 million dollars before, and do not know what's the use and feel of getting it. Now I will fight my way to getting from $0 dollars per month, to $3000 per month. Thereafter, 3 month after $3000 per month, I will be earning $5000 per month. Thereafter once again, 4 months after $5000 per month, I will be earning $8000 per month. It will fall directly on 30th June 2010 when I had left Sun Microsystems."

This.

Is my dream.

The goal is to earn $12000 per month. To maintain a lifestyle. To get married. To have a family. To develop a different lifestyle for my parents and siblings. To enhance love and establish a firmer relationship between all my peers, my inner circle of strength and personal development.

Happy 29th Birthday to Tang Hong Chuan!

2009-06-30T00:08:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU DARDAR!!!

As below, it is my present for my darling Lewis. Although it's quite a simple present, i hope my dardar will love this.

Dar, Sorry for not being able to make myself appear in Jakarta to celebrate your 29th Birthday with you... I miss you a lot and wish I can hug you right now too. Miss you tons already... Very happy birthday to you honey. I wish you all the best, and wish that you can be happy with everything that's around you right now. Mostly, please be healthy and relax. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nui-FsZTgDo

http://w526.photobucket.com/pbwidget.swf?pbwurl=http://w526.photobucket.com/albums/cc342/Kaze08/DarlingandMe-Scrapblog.pbw

P.S. I love you darling.

Lotsa Love,
Laura Lam

Chapter 96: wow quiz

2009-06-18T11:52:00.003+08:00

I did a quiz on my personality. It's like a WOW. I can't believe it describes me so much! haha.. pls c below:

1. You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them.

2. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing.

3. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.

4. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof.

5. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.

6. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

Chapter 95: Big Goals

2009-06-17T11:56:00.002+08:00

I think it takes time for a person to truly settle themselves and know what they veritably need and inevitably want. Looking at myself, I am very happy, that I did not take too long a time to realise what is important for myself to be fully equipped and ready for a new phase of life.

I must make such statement:

"Finally, the fact that I'm now a working adult, sinks into me."

Yes, it did. From my expenditure trends, I'm getting more brand oriented as well as image-cautious. I am more conversant in handling people, and I'm also becoming careful with my behavior and mannerism. Is this a 必经之路 for all human on their journey to be transited to becoming an adult? I must say it is.

Ok. Back to some topics.

This entry is to announce to myself, what BIG GOALS i had set, or intend to set for myself.
I swear, I hadn't even had all these ideas in my mind and get really serious with them until now. If these could be spoken from my mouth last year, they are just some.... say-say goals.

I shall now pen down what I want to achieve for myself. Some might appear to be a bit too late, nevertheless, I shall get it done ASAP so as to compensate for the amount of time loss over an overly-nonserious-contemplation-for-a-lifetime-before...

Driving Licence
Pick up Japanese
Degree in English/ Psychology or Accountancy
Get very serious with my Sales Career
Ballot a Flat - Bedok / Tampines
Do more Yoga
Learn to Swim well
Pick up Flute

hmmm.

That's all for now. As I move on bit by bit to accomplish my goals. :D

Chapter 94: Driving Goals

2009-06-16T22:45:00.002+08:00

Before i say "YAY!!!!!" i will first reveal my "OH NO...!!"

Today I went for 2 job interviews. The first one was for a position as a Sales Manager for a Marketing / Events company. It was really a nice interview experience though. Then later I went for another which was as a Travel Consultant. My god, it's truly a practical world now. They don't go for 1st interview session anymore! The minimum rounds of nterview starts from 2. aiyo... it's just so damn sad la... So now, I still hadn't been able to secure a job. Hais... As I pray I will be able to get a job soon enough, I hope too, that my debts could be paid off soon. *Cries*

Yes, back to main topic.

I finally register myself for this SSDC school driving thingy. my goodness. it cost me a BOMB LOR... >.< total of aga 1.6k... really jia lat lo... Bt I found out something ... :

You can register for Basic Theory Test.
You can also book for a Car at the same time!
After passing your Basic Theory Test, you can book for your Advance Theory Test at the same time!
After you pass all the modules during the car practices, you can go ahead and take your Advance theory test!
Wa lao. after you pass the advance theory test... that's really great le. Since everything can be done concurrently. it shouldn't be much problem if you're able to handle the car well and get your licence within 6 months.

fralalala... if i can get my licence soon, I will really be damn happy lo. a skill learnt that is very beneficial for my career and lifestyle...

Chapter 93: Hock

2009-05-27T20:21:00.003+08:00

Today hock cried and called me... his tone was shivering and was slurrish.. and i know for sure, HE'S BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRL.

it's a sad and happy thing though. at least his breakup was a clean one. no grey area in between and both know for sure that there's no turning back. hurt no doubt will be the only stumbling stone to moving on further, but for sure, he'll be stronger! As he always asked me, "SIS! Why you so stirrrr-ooongggg (strong)?" haha.. well. I had a good training ground before!

His failed relationship was already a very upsetting moment for him because the girl he's with fell for another guy. Seriously, I felt quite natural about it. To me, she really isn't the type who will stay steady and long by hock. Personally I know her and we talked often before. How i perceived her wasn't wrong as proven now... hais...

But now hock's he's also affected by retrenchment.

2 in 1.

Nothing can be as bad as his scenario... I only hope him well. Of course he will "book" me for many days la.. ahahaha.. no choice, we 7 yrs of buddyhood. LOL!

***

later gonna go drinking with Susan they all... this woman oso another one who juz outta love. hahahaha... c how later la.. update later!!!

***

Dardar!! I MISS U... 好想你。。。
yes i do. although i get angry with u often.
no choice. u aint around.
hehehe...
but for sure, i will support whatever decision you make.
I'll stand by you.

Chapter 92: heck

2009-05-23T12:24:00.003+08:00

i will no longer be concerned of what you held on tight of your friends.

to me they are nothing really and i can definitely survive without them. they bring utterly no value to me, as they did to you. also, it isn't something i can really accept when tried to bring me in the belief of MERGING with them as a whole. with people like that i don't think i can ever mingle well around either!

since u are not ready to listen U CAN TELL ME. i don't appreciate this act of interrupting when i am really POURING OUT MY WOES TO YOU and getting you misinterpreting it. if you know me well by now, u should know i hate to repeat myself. so if you don't mean what u said, shut that up! i can always bottle it up to myself and explode it somewhere with someone else, who will never be u.

as i go on wandering my wondering mind, i found more communication pitholes along the way. seemingly, most arguments stem from your friends and i. i can tell u straight now here, i never liked to join ur FRIENDS in mahjong! OK? GET IT? CLEAR NOW? i can almost NEVER BE MYSELF, and seriously, it's IRRITATING ME AND I FEEL WORSE EACH TIME!

They are YOUR FRIENDS, and NOT mine. As much as i want to open up my socialising window to accommodate, i don't think i'm much accepted either. I have my circle of friends too who i feel better to rely on than urs. Without you around as u're in Jakarta, I DON'T EVEN SEE UR FRIENDS AROUND CONTACTING ME. What makes a friend, A FRIEND?

They ONLY REGARD YOU.

I'm never in the picture!

Get it straight and stop asking why i feel bad each time. I'm sick of it.

Chapter 90: Excitement!!!

2009-04-30T14:03:00.003+08:00

My my... i'm so freaking excited already!

Tomorrow i'm going to fly to Jakarta FINALLY! Man... how long did I not travel already? 1 yr? So finally i'm reaping my reward!

Saying that, i'm going to pay off my stupid installment soon and den can save up a pile for my November's trip to Japan. Stupid la, i should have just paid in full back then. Why so poor that time?! Kns, this $2.5k liability is so sickening... what else? Laptop lor!!!

HAIS!

Even my credit card owings i oso pay till 88-99. This dumb laptop de is like never ending. If i forfeit my payments den I gotta pay them an additional. Doesn't make sense to pay more so I just continue to slog for it. Argh, anyways, I'm gonna aim to pay the rest in Full by end June. Hope I am able to get myself recontracted so I can save for Japan T_T...

ANYWAY!

I'd packed most of my stuff in my Antler. *loves*
Brought only 2 T-shirt, 1 shorts, 1 berms.
Lingerie of course muz bring!
Some make up and skin care..
Money~
passport
air ticket
camera
handphone
a book
a brolly
a portable bag
medicine
plasters
bla bla.
that's all.

and guess wad.

my luggage is so damn light lor.

YAY! GOTTA GET THINGS THERE!

and more YAY YAY! FINALLY GET TO C MY DARDAR..

*damn happy*~ smiles* :D

oh ya...

i must get my Juicy Couture Perfume there!!!
i simply love Juicy! :P

Chapter 89: time please pass fast!

2009-04-24T04:26:00.005+08:00

how i hope time FLIES NOW and let it be LABOUR DAY soon!!!

i can't wait to go to Indonesia really..

but seriously, I can't wait to faster clear up all those rubbish by June.

soon i'll be able to rub away all my emo-ness of these days, and get recharged! hehe...

***

oh ya, i just went to Hilton Hotel for a function.
man...
its a great event serious.
great ambience.
good service. (rate it at 80%)
nice food. (buffet)
Excellent MC.
Great people mixing!

wahaha..

Thanks Glen for bringing me there... if not i think i'll be boredddddd to deathhh... FORGOT TO MENTION. I'm on a fever when i went, and i'm still on a fever at a time like NOW, 4.30AM! haaha..

but if i'm gonna hold a wedding...

think i won't consider Hilton...

The function was held at the Grand Ballroom.

But it's like quite small nia... :P that's why. hehee.

Chapter 88: emptiness

2009-04-21T00:32:00.003+08:00

carrying a heavy heart now..
just had a conversation which was depressing.
i always find many questions unanswered.
no matter how i try to pry the mouth open for one.
we were talking not-very-casually.
my intent was serious and sensible...
but the mind was crashed by the speeding & oncoming shock...

"we made a pact to die young ....."

that opened up all the unspoken truths...
showed me all the reasons why somethings,
just don't happen to be on the right paths.

was that an impulse..
the difference of ideas immediately flood me.
the molecules broken up into atoms and sank my heart...
broke into my nervous system...
and i went berserk at instant.

i couldn't think logically.
the words attacked me at my subconscious mind...
it's impact so deep,
i wanted an end.

i couldn't accept it...

"it was just a joke..."

i was told.

was it?
it doesn't seem to be one.

"different aspect in life will change ur wish de"

i agree totally...
but,
why did you say that inappropriate "joke".. at an inapproriate moment?
the only thing i fail to understand now is...
where is the trust?
can i trust you further?
shall we put everything on hold...
i don't seem to be able to get a grip of myself.
i'm losin' it.
all the more i feel a warm gush rising to my bottom lids...

how much had u put in effort,
and how much you had shown me of your love...
i had understood..
a word which dashed a lot of my belief...
must come from you.
as much as i can still hear my voices in my heart...

"I still believe..."

"Please bring us blessings..."

"Can we still hold happiness in our hands?"

can you turn back time and take back what you said?
can i please... take back what i said...?
please let me not realise what was not supposed to be known...
please let me not err and act on an impulse...

i'd rather be kept in lies forever...

Chapter 87: unbalanced.

2009-04-20T15:49:00.003+08:00

sometimes... i just feel so lonely i wanna rush out and shout out loudly, hysterically, insanely... the hollow echo replied itself.. carrying more emptiness than what I thought I already was.

fleeting moments... one that never lasts...
temporal matters... which made me happy n unhappy at a short span of time..

to protect myself... agitations became my friend.

i couldn't face off the world and let loose my delicate heart.
that'll probably be my worst disaster.

i'd reached some state. where i feel like crying, but not crying too...

*

yesterday went cycling with M.

oh yea, it's sure fun. :D

took some photos though, please see below!

after cycling... we went to church. o_o wahaha.. i wasn't a christain la.

oh ya!!! i'm oso badly burnt! M's sunblock's EXPIRED!!!

my god... heng i bought the aloe gel... really soothe my skin fast.. :D

*

dad's feet were swollen.
it's getting worse.
wonder how bad it'll become...
i'd pushed him to go to a doctor.
all he went to is a chinese physician.
let's see if the TCM precription helps ba..
if it doesn't.
i'll drag him to a doctor.
even if it meant to be hit.

*

emoing. . .

fossiling. . .

thinking when will i be free . . .

i wanna go on my vacation immediately! ! !

hais :(

*

oh ya. . .
talk about some job "unfortunate" events...
JW she's down with chicken pox.
goodness gracious...
wonder how she caught it!
but i'm covering her job again..
always come up with so many pattern one.

den there's this girl who's resigning...
and we are gonna buy her some gift...
i'm not quite agreeable.
$20 vouchers EACH.
gosh!
there's like 12 person ok...
$240.
what a costly gift though!
i don't even know her well and i'm gonna contribute.
even on my bday.
no one got me a cake too wad.
sheesh...zzz

*

think i woke up at the wrong side of my bed today..
i just feel like cryin' n not cryin.
menses probably?
i wish i can really..
turn back time and adjust what i had done wrong...

all these months....

*

Chapter 86: adiorable

2009-04-19T00:29:00.006+08:00

i'd finally booked the tickets for Jakarta !

nb knn... that tiger webby is indeed LOUSY...

at the end of the day i paid $120 for the round trip.

ok la.

juz that get a bit pissed off by the stupid interface...

***

I MISS MY ADIORABLE DARDAR...

***

gonna go cycling at 11am later with M!
gosh..
to think of it...
i hadn't finish my sales quotation yet...
what a burden!

***

i love my adiorable 4.

***

gonna slash off $1k nx month!

argh!

***

CHapter 85: laughs

2009-04-13T17:07:00.004+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=67108111505&h=FXmLe&u=tSrWa&ref=mf

please see above link! it's damn funny and i laughed my ass off... goodness... the lyrics are like...

"u're not alone, the government's here with u... though our income's far apart, we oso take e cut~"

anyone who knows Michael Jackson's song "You're not Alone"? The songs sounds great, and great fit with these lyrics too... HAHAHA...

Chapter 84: Fly away and back to me

2009-04-13T11:36:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I went to Twister at Tampines ONE (the new shopping mall) to have my hair done. I did some stunts to my hair though.. haha! Cut BANGS! But it's a fashion cut, so it's half bob and half layered. hehe. My gosh... That Addy hor.. kept saying i look good at it. So even if i tot it was a bit "guai"... i duno what to reply him.

*(ADDY was that SILKPRO celebrity hair stylist la... this shop he open one...)*

Did A LOT of things on hair ok...

Cut, Wash, Blow (Senior Hair Stylist)
Colour Ash Brown
Highlight low tone copper
Rebond (done by the Technical Director of Monsoon Group)
Hair Treatment
Scalp Treatment

Took me 5 hours to have everything done.... o_o when dardar see me his expression was so damn funny... then said i looked more stupid than before. kns... den told me he really prefer me in this hairstyle, but would be better if my hair is more volumnous.. o_o actually yes. i really do look stupid in this hairstyle. haahha! i don't mind though, i hadn't had bangs before for my past 23 years of life. SO WHAT'S SO UGLY ABOUT THAT! I love it! bleah. ahhahaha!!

So there's this lucky draw. I spent within the limit to be entitled for 3 draws. These are my following gifts. All are just as lousy...

Decision Dice (wth?)
Some handphone strap... (and it's not nice de)
Citigems Innova Pendant (........................................)

When I got that pendant, i thought it's something worth to be happy about. So i strutted away as fast as I could to a place I can open it up and see. Guess what.

. . .

That pendant was a zodiac pendant. . .

It was for a. . .

SAGGITTARUS!!!

nb!!

and i'm a capricorn. Can't they give me something that's more general and NOT customerised?!

nvm! i'm going to change it anyways! haha!

***

Today dardar he's flown back to Jakarta again... *haiz* I miss him already... For the past few days he's with me all the time. T_T it's just so sian to know he's so far away and I don't know if he's taking care of himself there... etc. Hope he will not smoke that much... Indonesia de cig really sucks ok... >_<

Anyways, i believe he's on his way to quitting smoking. :D but even if he doesn't, it wouldn't make me love him lesser too.. smoking less and eventually not smoking will just prolong his life to be able to spend more time together with me, and our children. So why not?

So sweet of him to call me when he's at the Airport...

Unlike his first trip to JKT, i did not send him off this round. He'll fly more often than ever, so he must get used to it too. :D

i miss u dardar. miss ur fat faceface liaos.. :)

Chapter 83: vacation

2009-04-11T16:28:00.006+08:00

waoooooooooooo~

i'm finally going to jkt... :P this labour day! we'll go bandung! all the zara etc clothes there.... manufactured!

Trip will be from : 1st May 2009 ~ 5th May 2009

as much as i wish i can go back to Europe, its like a faraway dream now... so poor how to go! haha!

dardar going back to jkt on monday le... *sobs*... AIKS. whatever lah~ haha, he'll be back soon too. *brace up!*

anyways, these days quite lotsa update. o_o jz that i find myself so lazy to blog it out. so i'll state them in point form. :D

Movie Lovers : Watch "Knowing". Main cast : Nicholas Cage
Water Lovers : Wild Wild Wet. Go once can le. Try out the Sky Cyclist!
Slimming Strategy : True Yoga. Go for "Hatha Yoga"!
Book Lovers : Read up “穿越时空地下铁”。 Japanese trans. Chinese Novel!
Bag Lovers : Pinning for a GUCCI.. :D
Travellers : Gonna get to Jakarta this May, and Tokyo this Nov.
Career Prospect : One resigned from post, gonna continue with SUN!
Visitations : Toffee came to my house 2 days ago, and bit my mum's arm.. *whack!*
Chores : Renew my passport online. Paid 70 bucks after failing to do so cuz I sort of got konked in my head when i exhausted my 3 attempts 24 hours ago, keying in what wasn't asked for on the website. LOL. Date of Issue for NRIC : I KEY IN MY BDAY. THEN, I KEYED IN MY PASSPORT ISSUANCE DATE TWICE. There goes it. 3 attempts gone. Waited for 24 hours later to do it again. haha!!!
Indulgence : Bought a swimming suit for $70. Bought a pretty vermillion top for $50.
Activities : Mahjong. Lost $50 bucks due to a knn round... haha.
Labelled Favourites : Passion Fruit Green Tea!
Recent Loves : High Society Passion Album. (Genre: Tango/ Latin)
Musical Adoration : Libertango (By BOND)
Rubbish News : Some persistent guy who had been courting me and wooing like crazy. Dislike it and had been avoiding him since. Need to still speak to him though. But gonna draw my lines straight and clear and dark. NO CHANCE!
Nails : Painted it glittering pink. BeautifuL!
Friends : I miss Jasmine Tan and Myrtle Lee. Oh. I miss Jenny Chung too. Not missing out Koh Lee Cheng. Girls, I need to go out with u guys. Outdoor activities. Nail and Hair. Food. HAHA!
Upcoming Events : DEYI Chalet around May. *anticipating*

Alrite FOLKS. hehe...

anyways... this new blog skin will soon be AMENDED again. muahaha... i sort of miss my previous pink one.. but this new skin is still pretty yea? juz that the background is white. hmmm... perhaps I can make it more LAURA STYLE... hehehe... NOT GOTH! Just more PASTEL and HIGH CONTRAST! hehe!

alrite, i'm feeling so random now. gonna go! visitation to granny :D

Chapter 82: UPGRADE FROM BOYFRIEND TO HUSBAND

2009-03-31T13:27:00.003+08:00

**************************************************************

UPGRADE FROM BOYFRIEND TO HUSBAND

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and
jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable
programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly. wav
files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,

IT Support

Chapter 81: Updates!

2009-03-30T02:40:00.002+08:00

Oh ya.. forgotten to update a bit oso.

Last saturday, had an outing with J and M. Gosh~ it's so damn fun with them around!!! N yes, i really love them a lot. To me they're very close friends la, after all, we slept, shit, cry, talk, whine, complain, cook, bla bla bla... haha for months, under the same roof. =D

Our trip to Bukit Timah Hill was "horribly fun".

Actually, by plan, we agreed to meet each other at 10.30am, bukit batok mrt station. as ever...... we will never get according to our plan lor. haha!
Miss Late = Laura Lam
Miss Forget me not = Jasmine Tan
Miss OK = Myrtle Lee

I am always late. But it's ok compared to Miss Forget me not. She slept late YTD NITE and den woke up really late, and imagine this... I was already on the train and she just called me. AHAH! She champed me. LOLS! Myrtle Lee? She just okok... okok... den she took her new experience on that new train line towards Joo Koon, having fun looking at those industrial parks.. HAHA!

SO! Out of all surprises as above, I'm the first to get to that Bukit Batok MRT Station. LOL!
Went to westmall to get my "stuff"...
I brought along my coach bag for that hike. which was due to 'no choice' cuz i had no other bags. (i'm serious).
I wore my red leather shoes. (i've got no sports shoes suitable for the climb. and it's really true)

I know it's damn funny. So I went there get an Elle Bag (huge size). Bought Adidas shoes. ^_^ after all these buys.. they finally reached..... had a shock.

Jasmine wore like she's so damn fit. How to say ah? Like she dress for aerobics lesson lor. haha!
Myrtle dress like she going downstairs lim kopi.
I dress like partial office attire and going to gym.
-_-
den we had our lunch at the mall, and we set off for our HILL TRIP!!! YAY.

It's truly tiring (cuz i'm damn fat) but we enjoyed it lots. Wanted to paste photos lah, but cannot manage to do it all. Perhaps some as below later? Saying that, the whole trip was about walking in grassy and foresty paths... Talk about butterflies there? Surprisingly, not much. I ran as soon as I see them. haha! There's surely a lot a lot a lot of steps there. Oh man, i really do prefer walking upstairs than walking downstairs! I've got aerophobia, that's why... argh! Those steps downwards was so "high"! Plus it's like an entire steep way down the slope... den those upslopes are so steep also, must walk and walk until step lemon... piangs... it just shows how unfit I am.

At the end of the day, we took some jumpy photos by the Hinhede Quarry... lOls.

****

After our climb, we had prata etc and drinks at the nearby shop houses.

Exercise so hard, den put back the fats. nb...

There I went to my yoga lesson...

It's truly hell.

lOls.

****

Chapter 80: Emo

2009-03-30T02:26:00.004+08:00

Emoing... haha.

Actually i don't know why, i seem to get a bit sad... it came from no where, think it comes cuz of the cold weather today? earlier on was quite mad at dar. don't know why i got in a sudden rage. not those jia lat kind, but can feel that surge of anger rising up. o_o scary. haha! was amazed at how fast i cooled. o_o if time had turned back as short as a year ago, i don't think i can ever imagine how i coped with my anger management today. LOL!

so when i was "angry" just now, my mind suddenly popped out a song. in fact, i only remembered the tune. i thought quite hard for the lyric but only managed to scrapped a "the feeling so strong were lasting for so long." wahaha.. so with this sentence i googled. o_o i didn't know it was Michael learns to rock song until i thought quite hard again... cuz with that sentence it don't seem good enough. I thought the best possibility might be that oldie band so i typed in their name.. ahhaa! yeah~ after much search i got that song and downloaded it....

something very coincidental happened. lOls.

I wasn't angry anymore after i got that song. LOLS.

So I replied dar's msn lo. He asked what i was doing i said i was searching for a song by Michael learns to rock.

Guess what he said?

"Thats why you go away?"

hahahahahaha

CORRECT! wth. how did he know? haa.. den he said, this was the only song he knew from this band. o_o... lOls. And the weird thing is... he don't listen to english songs. so i can said i least expect him to know this song even... then, he told me, this was the only english song he can sing (well)? X_X so qiao rite? I was quite happy with this coincidence...

just that the song is very... sad lor..

That's Why You Go Away - Michael Learns To Rock

Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up
Now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There ain't so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know
That's why you go away I know......

I miss my man so much....... he's coming back this friday night... i'm so happy! haha... at the same time, i'm feeling a bit sad too. ARGHX. guess i'm emo. if not.. i'm just a bit cranky cuz i know after he's back it's just for a while.. he'll still go back to indonesia after a week or so.

CHapter 79: baby!

2009-03-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

o.o i miss lewis so much. hahaha! well, c below, this is our virtual baby. so kawaii neh... wonder if i had this pic posted already oso. haha!

Baby Lusiant, cute rite? (this name lewis he say one leh...)

and the pictures we used to get this baby are:

Daddy

and

Mummy

muahaha... going crazy. :P

Chapter 78: lately

2009-03-28T00:53:00.003+08:00

lately~ done some shopping for watches and got a pair of heels for myself. o.o
actually much things happened during this period of time too la. hahaha!

Got Skagen (no pic) and Titus Watch (pic below)

Nine West Heels
Boon Wee kena hospitalised
Caught up with Ting Teck
Quarter closing - never hit target
Called up Northwest to check on my Japan trip! :D

ahh... good and bad rite? hahah!

I'm most excited about my trip to Japan la, Lewis said if we decided to drop Japan, perhaps we can fly to Australia or Taiwan?

How I wish we got enough $$$ so we can go to Bhutan. Heard from mother that it's such a scenic and clean and pure land. Need a private jet to fly us in too! Ay~ duno when den can go to such place lah. ahha!

anyways, japan trip hor, i'd decided to stay in a ryokan. hope accommodation we can spend max at $1k sgd. T_T duno possible or not oso, 7days 6 nights. HAHA! REALLY wanna go to the hot spring etc leh! if can hor, i really wish to go to Kyoto, Osaka, and Nara! basically, just want to avoid crowds... want to go to scenic places to relax, take photos, be happy about the nature's beauty and blend ourselves in the natural environment again.

aiya, if go to australia, no perth for sure. haha! perhaps brisbane? don't know leh.... hais~

can i choose Micronesia instead??? HAHA!

Chapter 77: 天下无双

2009-03-16T23:17:00.001+08:00

穿越红尘的悲欢惆怅
和你贴心的流浪
刺透遍野的青山和荒凉
有你的梦伴着花香飞翔
今生因你痴狂
此爱天下无双
剑的影子水的波光
只是过往是过往
今生因你痴狂
此爱天下无双
啊．．．．．
如果还有贴心的流浪
枯萎了容颜难以忘
啊……
穿越红尘的悲欢惆怅
和你贴心的流浪
刺透遍野的青山和荒凉
有你的梦伴着花香飞翔
今生因你痴狂
此爱天下无双
剑的影子水的波光
只是过往是过往
今生因你痴狂
此爱天下无双
啊．．．．．
如果还有贴心的流浪
枯萎了容颜难以忘
啊……

。。。

你给我的爱是天下无双的。

我好想你。。。

Chapter 76: I am a very happy woman.

2009-03-12T00:46:00.004+08:00

P.S. I am a very very very happy woman. hahahaha!
Those that I strike out is what I feel, my man had achieved.

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY...

It's really not difficult...
To make a woman happy; a "man" only needs to be :

~~1. a friend~~ definitely..

~~2. a companion~~ always

~~3. a lover~~ naturally

~~4. a brother~~ ya, we always shareshare

~~5. a father~~ he nags a lot of what i shd do,etc.

~~6. a master~~ game master, virtue master

7. a chef <--- maggi mee not counted

~~8. an electrician~~ yes he can replace bulbs

~~9. a carpenter~~ yes, he fixed my bookshelf too

10. a plumber <--- duno yet

~~11. a mechanic~~ =s more mechanical than i

12. a decorator <--- never

13. a stylist <--- never

~~14. a psychologist~~ cure my internal struggle.

~~15. a pest exterminator~~ he kills cockroaches n get rid of butterflies/moth

~~16. a psychiatrist~~ he gives me right suggestion to handle stress

~~17. a healer~~ emotionally, mentally and physically :P

~~18. a good listener~~ OF COURSE!

~~19. an organizer~~ i'm messier than him.

~~20. a good father~~ look at the way he treats his dog, he'll make a good father for sure.

~~21. very clean~~ not "very very", but definitely way better than i

~~22. sympathetic~~ always. it's in his blood

~~23. athletic~~ run oso faster than me lah...

~~24. warm~~ it's just him...

~~25. attentive~~ it's also him to be attentive..

~~26. gallant~~ he's my knight anyway.

~~27. intelligent~~ seriously, very good brains. no joke.

~~28. funny~~ what can i say? he's not only funny. crappish too. :P love it.

~~29. creative~~ with his lamity? haha!

~~30. tender~~ya, his back softsoft one.. face oso. LOL. it's him to be tender.

~~31. strong~~ yes.

~~32. understanding~~ never once not understanding

~~33. tolerant~~ always.

~~34. prudent~~ save more than i. T_T

~~35. ambitious~~ he's never an idiot w/o an aim or goal to look for and grow.

~~36. capable~~ definitely.

~~37. courageous~~ yea, went on 1 yr posting in indo, why not?

~~38. determined~~ definitely.

~~39. true~~ never once untrue.

~~40. dependable~~ he's my dependable man.

~~41. passionate~~ he's got a big and realistic dream and is passionate of it.

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

~~42. give her compliments regularly~~ i demand.

43. love shopping <--- no comments........

~~44. be honest~~ always.

45. be very rich <--- to be soon.

~~46. not stress her out~~ :D of course he don't do this.

~~47. not looking at other girls~~ his eyes are HERE (me) . NOT THERE.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

~~48. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself~~ LOL. yea.

~~49. give her lots of time, especially time for herself~~ YES.

~~50. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes~~ YES YES.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

51. Never to forget:
* birthdays NEVER.

* anniversaries NEVER EVER.

* arrangements she makes lol... of course lah... he never disappoint me.

-------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO MAKE A "MAN" HAPPY:

1 . Leave him in peace. <--- he's happy with my noise. I disagree with what I pointed at. LOL!

Chapter 75: Day Flight to Indonesia

2009-03-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

Today at 7am, dardar woke me up alr... he's like packing stuff for his indo trip which will fly off at 10am. o.o imagine.. i managed to sleep only at 4am! god.. thanks to his younger bro... watching some movie at night, and that volumn was loud... woke me up.

ah.. well... these are the photos of us before he left for Indo. He'll be back on the 3rd April for a while though... hmm.. den few days after staying in SG he'll be back to Indo for a year again. Of course occassionally he'll be back to visit me and his family lah... haha... maybe after a year when he's back from Indo... "he and i might have a great change". I don't know? I feel that there'll be. Hope we'll buy a flat by then oso, as planned... :)

See photos!

shucks... my just woke up look.. really JUST WOKE UP..

i love him to kiss me when i'm just awake. o.o...

POSE 1

POSE 2! hahaha.. his mother told me, he grow so old.. never leave the house for so long one lor... :)

tired piggy.. 8th Mar 09... he's so shag from the packing and waiting for me at my house! aii...

he "don't quite like" my chouchou. so when he's sleeping... i put it round him. LOL!

fatty face. *loves*

coax very long den get to have my chouchou on his head K!!! hahha.. he give in to me de la... =)

bite his face..

Chapter 74: anniversary photos! xD

2009-03-05T16:13:00.002+08:00

Our anniversary at some place in Prinsep road o.o. Italian Restaurant!

that guy who took pic for us has shaky hands...

their wine collection o.o quite nice hor?

o.o did not open any wine to consumn. hmm quite an ambience there...

my crab + brocoli pasta.. (not fantastic.)

his lamb steak and italian rice... (he kept sayin' it's nice)

Chapter 73: Hate my Job

2009-03-05T14:24:00.002+08:00

There is a kind of deep hatred I have for my job now. Seriously, I can't wait to be sacked or resign from the job. It had already penetrated so deep into my bones and for sure, it's definitely one of the most disgusting job ever.

- NO COMMUNICATION
- NO TRAINING
- DEMANDING
- SOMETIMES UNREASONABLE (in fact, almost all the time)
- BAD SUPPORTING TEAM (the order admin)
- NO PROPER GUIDANCE FROM MANAGER
- NO UNDERSTANDING GROUNDS FROM MANAGER
- EXASPERATIONS
- OT BUT NOT RECOGNISED
- HORRIBLE MANAGERS

for once, i really buay tahan liao?! i even cried cuz of the job stress. i had NEVER EVER DONE THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. wht the fuck?

when i looked at my email just now.

there was an email from our internal team people to ask me to do quoting for list price etc. i was amazed, and at the same time, i abhor the stupid process because there's clearly, NO PROCESS IN PLACE!

they said that new orders with only PART NUMBERS of the equipment i will let my order admin to quote.

she slapped me back to tell me that it's not her job to do so and copied my director, her bosses, my manager to shame me.

where i got the news from was from my renewal quote team who quote RENEWAL quotes and the order admin to quote NEW quotes. Previously, there was also an order where it was NEW and ANOTHER order admin helped to quote with only part numbers. wonder what the hell is the stupid process???

now my manager machiam give up on me cuz i stupid or what i really don't know lor.

plus on my anniversary date, i cried for my job?!

totally traumatised me. i cannot take it liao lor?! piang. i sprained my foot machiam kena said i act. den my entire morning was late cuz of the sprain. no understanding. that lawrence (manager) even asked me this...

"Laura, can you tell me frankly, what exactly happened to you in the morning and you went missing?"

fuck...

perhaps i go office late all the time and that's why he asked me. but the thing is, it was really very recently only, when i kena this. just because they need my help NOW. ok. i rendered them my help wholeheartedly. worked OT.. etc.

they screwed me cuz of some processes which was NEVER in place. and i was suppose to pick up the pieces to learn ASAP. COME ON? there's so MANY pieces i can't possibly pick them all up and absorb so FAST! you really tire me out ok? it is already 6 months i'm in the office to work and i still don't know many things because NO ONE TEACHES ME? I asked around. I checked around. I really did FIND OUT. Every single day i'm asking around. the same questions. different situations. different answers each time with the same question.

WHAT THE FUCK... HORRIBLE!

Chapter 72: Anniversary

2009-03-03T01:43:00.003+08:00

Yay! Today is our anniversary! wahaha... 03 Mar every year... :D

I've bought him a gift... :D he'll like it anyways. Ar, anyway, he already know what I'm gonna buy for him... haha...

Will take picture of it soon!

i hope my working is relac relac later... if not i'll feel so affected that it spoils my whole day...

It's gonna be a happy day. I'm gonna leave at 5.30pm lor... *MUST*

Chapter 71: Importance of Saving

2009-03-01T14:10:00.002+08:00

Now I figured out the importance of savings. It landed it's impact on me when the news of Lewis going to Jakarta was announced. How the hell am I gonna go visit him once a month, or twice a month, when I hadn't got enough $$$ to spend on the air tickets?

Since Lewis's gonna be gone there for a year.. If i calculate $350 for a round trip to Jakarta...

Once a month = 350*12 = $4200.
Twice a month = 350*6 = $2100. <--- I'll take this option. DUH!!!

MONEY spent in Jakarta leh!? WAH LAO...

zzzzzz

Besides air tickets to Jakarta... We've got tickets for Japan, Tokyo too... oh gosh... I'm planning for a week tour in Tokyo. Accommodation wise, it would have cost us about cheapest $600 for a week for both of us... zzzzzzz....

Shopping in Japan I'll bring about $1200 to spend... zzzzzzzzz

Food in Japan I'll bring about $500 to spend... zzzzzzzzzz!!!

Let's forget about buying gifts for people. THere's not enough anyways.

zzzzzz

I think if i spend like that my personal savings will also be damn freaking exhausted. How am i able to save so ardently when some parts in my is being evilly gnawed by my job's demand?

I guess I need a break. I feel like my brain is wrecking. I'm like falling apart in many directions now...

The only thing I look forward to RIGHT NOW is...

Our anniversary together... *hugs*

Chapter 70: Commitment

2009-02-27T01:17:00.002+08:00

A picture of love. We are committed with each other.

And I know, his going to Jakarta will not be wasted. Although it's gonna take a year or so, I'll just have to fly by occassionally to take a break off my shittish job too... A good time for both to learn something call "strength".

I wish I can hug him all the time. Oh, I love his fattish chubbish face really a lot. *hugs*

Chapter 69: True fear?

2009-02-04T21:57:00.001+08:00

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Looked down on You have a very high self image. You're the kind of person that loves being in the center of attention. You're very outgoing, and outspoken. You also always have to look you're best. Whether going out, or just hanging out with the girls if you're not looking great you're not happy. You're a natural born leader, and love when people look up to you. You're worst fear is that someone won't like you, or look up to you. If someone criticized or critiqued you to the point that people stopped wanting to hang around you, or began thinking less of you that would be your worst nightmare. You secretly really want to be liked, respected and appreciated by others. A good way to make sure that people have a positive view of you is to consider their thoughts and feelings also.
Commitment
Disappointment
Where Your life is Going
Being Alone
Losing Someone
Death
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Chapter 68: Miuciaga

2009-02-02T11:02:00.006+08:00

I love my miumiu...

and oh ya... the "long awaited" (for some people) Odeon LV sling is finally out in USA... I think it will be launching in Singapore soon? WOnder how many people will go gaga for this sling bag. Definitely not my cup of tea though, it looks super aunty lo... >.<

I Love this piece. Cost = $2080

Classic and really evergreen modern look...

Look how spacious it is? LOL.

See this Amazona, it's chic, isn't it? Brown leather with red lining... So pretty..... *drools*

Ok, enough of bags posting...

I think I'm like starting my journey out as a bag collector. Hope that I'm a long haul collector. So i can slowly collect and not buy each piece in such a short span of time. Too starving to get them... T_T may turn out to eat my bags up if i'm too hungry. ahaha...

Chapter 67: Miu Miu Fettish

2009-01-28T00:56:00.004+08:00

Miu Miu Love!

Gosh... look at some of the beautiful darlings I'm really very very VERY in love with!

Beautiful Darling...

my beautiful miumiu coffer napa bag in black...

Simply love it to bits... I LOVE MIU MIU!!!

wahaha...

anyways, do you enjoy your chinese new year? I enjoy mine for sure! haha, mostly it's contributed by my fat face superman... so enjoyable and happy with him around me. really love him a lot a lot... *hugs!!!*

btw, 大年初一 is quite a significant day to me. I don't know about lewis but it's "important" to me in a way. Mainly because it's the first time we met out together. LOL! For a KTV last year? with some other people; Janet and Kelvin... o.o still can remember very vividly, as kelvin he's kinda hinting to me he liked me and "wooing" me. Really wonder what will happen if lewis had not stayed "for me" after the ktv to play pool with kelvin. Will I still end up with Lewis then?

hAhA!

K, some pics of what I'd taken during cny. Enjoy!!!

me and my cousin

sis, mum, gujie

mum, dad, me, gujie

sis n i

sis n i

me and granny

me and grandpa

Wahaha... after all the visitations on Chu Yi, last program of the day was with dardar.. we both went to watch movie lo... hehe... at century square. Initially wanna watch 大喜事 but the ticket seating is so kuku. Watched "INKHEART". I thought it's quite nice, ideas are somewhat different. Although some parts are really stupid, it's still quite good in it's presentation. 7.5points out of 10. =)

ultra fat face superman dardar - Lewis.

Love you to bits... *squeeze ur faceeeeeeee*

Chapter 66: Unforgettable

2009-01-25T16:31:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was one unforgettable day indeed. A day off all stress and what's left was a bulk of happy feelings.

Went to sentosa with dardar and we first met at vivocity before setoff... i was an hour late! but my magnanimous boyfriend forgave me and even bought me chocolates at candy empire. :D of course we both went in and choose the chocolates i want la... *loves* bought ritter sport - Erdbeer Joghurt (strawberry yogurt) flavour choco, and some other mixtures...

The program is to watch the sentosa flowers. And I told lewis before, that going to sentosa we only needa spend like $2 if we walk in, and $3 if we took the monorail from vivo. Instead, he chose to take cable car with me to go to sentosa. Gosh.. It has always been a dream to take the cable car from world trade centre to sentosa! wahaha... although we both had slight aerophobia, still we love the thrill of it. It's definitely very funny to see both of us fidget on the cable car and don't dare to move around. A bit scared stiff. LOL!

What i can see on cable car inside a cruise.. LOL

beautiful scenary

see... scared stiff..

us again, after fighting our phobia.. LOL!

IR

not many ppl can see this K!!! hahaa, mz take cable car den can see!

When we reached Sentosa @ Imbiah, wow!!! we can see flowers already, not a lot la... Halfway, Lewis pulled me over to a spot where an indian uncle brought his tamed snake and let people take photo with it @ $5. -_- Lewis suggested for me to photo with that snake... PIANG... That is the worst! When the snake was around my neck, it's head kept turning to the right lor!!! And my right hand which was grabbing the head cannot hold it well, and i scared it will bite me... so i turn around with the snake. 0_0 damn scary... But it's fun la, FIRST TIME HAD SNAKE ON ME....

i'm damn scared lo...

SEE the flowers and the photos I'd taken! They're really very wonderful... First time see a real 梅花, and alot of 茶花，牡丹... i see until 目不转睛! haha, damn pretty. Love u dardar, thanks for the happy yesterday.

dai dai look..

pretty yellows...

the "zi zhu lin.."

how candid...

i love this combi..

very elegant kindsa flower..

when i first spotted a REAL 梅花, i'm so damn excited lo...

pretty blue lilies..

i love this pic...

flower made... very facinating..

handsome darling..

flower ducks!

after a whole day... fatigue look le...

songs of the sea, got kelong one... LOL!

at last... going home le... *loves*

Chapter 65: Stress

2009-01-15T23:55:00.002+08:00

Other than working stress... i really do not have much to talk about le...

haiz... i want to get a ASUS notebook lei... my this laptop is so heavy i need to lug it whenever i go and meet my customer lor... 3.2kg? Crazy... den plus my bag leh.. i'm really lugging it damn... shoulder ache... arms ache.. worse is the stress involved.

recently i don't know lah. not quarter end why need to rush until i must leave office at 9plus den reach home at aga 11pm?? piangs... i don't understand lor.

damn... tomorrow at 9am and 11.30am i got meeting with director. talk about the pending list. shit already la... is it because i'm slow or stupid? am i inefficient and useless? why i do so hard and work so long, i machiam kena expected of by so mucH? Imagine so many colleagues i have, and i'm always the only one who cannot finish and need to work for long hours...

or

is it because i'm handling the top accounts that's why the difference? shit lor... i hate big accounts oso. just because it's the top level accounts i'm being tortured mentally by myself to think i'm useless for working slow.

wth...

i need some booze...................godamnit...>.<

Chapter 64: miss u

2009-01-12T02:36:00.002+08:00

dardar i miss u so much... T_T so sian that i gotta work on monday and so sian that everytime gotta go home and so sian everytime u gotta drive me home late and den end up u sleep late... T_T if we both stayed at the same "direction" of singapore den it'll be great... at least no need spend so much time and petrol driving to and fro...

i wan pinch ur chubby cheeks... *hugs* miss u so much already...

Chapter 63: New Year 2009!

2009-01-02T11:54:00.005+08:00

Happy New Year 2009!

New year le!!! The 2nd Day of new year is a friday, soooooooooo wonderful. <3 loves. wahaha. I had my celebration of new year at Elly and Eric's house though, it's so fun! They're getting married really soon and their house is really B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L... Looks expensive also T.T Their flooring is just cement designed with mosaic tiles and metal strips. First time I seen of such flooring de. At first i thought they hadn't put tiles on, but no, it's their intentions to make it look this way. o.o it's pretty really. <3

So this new year I had my share of fun. Compared to last year, last last year, last last last year, last last last last year, and lastx5 year, it's not only MORE FUN, it's also MORE INTERACTIVE, + it's MORE WARMING! Goodness, how did i make myself suffer each new year after new year? Accompanied with NO LAUGHTERS but tears. Talk about new year eve, there's nothing but tears. I machiam can cry one year off lidat. wth? hahaha. But this year's different. New Year Eve is DAMN FUN. New Year day kena emo outburst. Aiya... I must break my crying taboo next year at 2010!

So what did we do at their house? It's steamboat! o.o although the table is like...a bit too rectangular... i still can eat full not bad le la. After that we played the card games up/down/color o.o drank some wine again and sabo ah paw again... made him drank a lot again... SHOULDN'T SIT BESIDE ME NEXT TIME! WAHAHA.. Xmas eve i oso made him tah 3 glasses one shot. New year eve i made him tah 4-5? hahahahaha!

After that we divided into mahjong gang and poker gang. The guys go poker and the ladies go mahjong. o.o... so tai tai lidat. haha... but one player is a guy lah... ah paw lor.. o.o cuz melvin's gf nv join us... i don't know why though. o.o she's a very nice lady. =)

see photos!

their smoking session sometimes... -_-

my monkey bf moves too much and shakes me sometimes...

as i say, never a decent pic with my monkey bf... look at his FEET BESIDE ME. -_- must pinch his face liaos...

our candid pose again. wahahha.. eric pose as muscleman and us ladies like o.o all weird expressions. LOL!

from left to right: Melvin GF - Ester. Jason GF - Jo. Eric Fiancee - Elly. Lewis GF - ME?
LOL!

another one. =)

yesh.. for mahjong, i only win $3. -_- not bad for first timer.. if not because of my small elephant i would have won like another $9.60?? i got 5 tai?? DAMN?! in the end cuz of this elephant i must bao all and pay $6.40. -_-~

haiz, the bu ru yi thing is only cuz at the end i kena gastric pain. Pain until i wanna cry type. zzz i really eat a lot le, but duno why it's so painful? forget it. so we went home earlier than the rest lor... i really sao xing sometimes >.< aiyer.. despite all the bad things that happened before, it's a new year after all...

I must be happy. =)
oh ya! see photos of my baobei <3 so cute when he sleep one lor...

*LOVES* love u dardar. <3

Chapter 62: Marina Square

2008-12-28T14:57:00.003+08:00

Yesterday lewis and i went out for a movie... Supposedly to meet for the 7pm movie but duh... i thought he booked tickets alr but he didn't. N i really took one hella time for him to wait FOR me. -_-. We tried rushing down to Marina square de, but no ler.. all sold out! *sad*

Nevertheless, we just try to make do lor... Alr reached marina square le wad.. wahaha.. take photos lor... yeah, their decos are pretty really. =)

kuku look. -_- last time don't look like dat at all.

This was the photo I took when we reached the "Singapore Flyer". And no, they hadn't resumed operation. We walked there cuz we got nothing to do. wahahaha...

The X'mas deco are so nice from that bustop view!

Monkey and Monkey -_- Lewis is a monkey lai de. LOLS! Look like one also...

must know how to "爱屋及乌". Since in love with a monkey lewis le must learn to love it's race. LOL!

wahaha...

after we sor ard town we found it so sian we took a cab to tampines @ century square le. it was aga 9+ la... and yes, that cab we board on was so cool really! its toyota estima can? 8 seaters. piangs... auto door open de. i was like... "WHY ON EARTH THESE CARS WERE MADE AS CABS?!" o.o lucky though. we got this cab outside of the singapore flyer's taxi stand de. but lewis don't quite like the cab driver ler... he said the cabby like.. very unwilling to drive us lidat. PIANGS, HE LUCKY LIAO K! DRIVE FROM CITIHALL TO TAMPINES U TOT CHEAP AH!

@#$%^&

We went to Century Square le, den go to their cinema buy the movie tickets lor... Wanted to watch IP MAN. (btw it's "yip, mun"). Lewis at first told me it's "I-P man".... i laugh until peng... got super man, spider man... hahahaha now got I-P man.. lols!

11.20pm movie. It's damn shiok k! That movie rating I will rate it at 8.5/10! Though "violent" to a certain extent, there's also humour in that show. Simply love it lah... =D

Chapter 61: Trip Alone

2008-12-26T22:22:00.003+08:00

Some Time For Self

These are some photos of me and my colleagues...

yaya look... LOL

Kelly and I..

Still kelly and I..

Hayati and I.. She's my neighbour! wahaha..

Joreen and I. Very helpful colleague la she..

Retake no.2 with joreen..

Retake no.3 with joreen.. LOL

Yea, this is my OA (order admin).. She's one of the kindest.
***

Today I declared a self-knockoff at about 3.15pm, and from there, I set off to an unknowing journey to spend sometime to myself.

When I stepped out of my office, it was such a bright and sunny day! Yes, it's "sweatingly scorching hot", but that did not beaten down my urge to walk on to Liang Court opposite of Central Mall. (it was quite far to walk there though) I did not have a chance to explore that "shopping mall" before, cuz it had this "solitude" look from outside, and even when you get closer to that building, there was absolutely NO x-factor that lures u in like any other shopping malls!

True enough, when I finally found the way through Liang Court, I was too amazed that it looked like the old IMM. Big and wide space, that kindsa "almost empty" look, wide pavements and overly "transparent" cuz it's so white and have lotsa glass. Simply, I knew immediately I don't like this place at all. And I wanted to get out of this Mall ASAP. hahahaha. Not only does the stuff they sell there looked expensive, it's also very niche. They sell beds/ mattresses/ Beauty consultation salons/ weird furnitures..... bla...

As soon as I went out, I found this bridge that connects directly to Fort Canning Park. At first I didn't want to climb and walk all the way up that ascending brick pavement... Somehow, my brain flashes memories of my primary and secondary school days. The last time I "properly" made my trip to Fort Canning Park and explore, was with a bunch of primary/ secondary school mates. How I miss those days!

I took some photos of the greenaries while walking up. Lotsa butterflies as ever, but there's this SPECIAL one that caught my eyes! It's so beautiful really! How I would describe it is that it has bright cobalt wings, outlined with golden dots, at the hindwings, there's a orangy-red bright dot on each wing, den in the middle of each forewings, there's this symmetrical black patch. I was scared by it when it fluttered it's wings, but at the same time, I'm in love with the beauty of the colours when shone under sunlight. *loves*

When did you last visit this park?

They call this pavement the "14th Century Walk"...

This tree damn eerie can, it's called the Madras Thorn, the Heritage Tree! Amazing thing about this tree is that it is resistant to fire. Believe it? hahaha..

There's an indian couple there, wanna go in rest de but damn paiseh so did not. wahahaha...

This is the walkway to the insides of the "Battle Box".

Satellite dish here too!

Symbolise "Unity".

look like fish bone can... LOL. But it's a ship!

Wahaha... walked on and on then I found myself somewhere near ROM. There were 3 families there. Meaning, there's 3 couples I saw donned in their bridal gown and suits. They looked gorgeous really. Some lay on the soft grass, some were posing the "marriage proposal kneel down + hard to get" pose, the last were grumbling non-stop. hahaha.. interesting.

Here u can find a lot of couples do photoshooting!

I left Fort Canning after I thought I had explored all, headed towards dobhy when my eyes fell onto a beautiful white building! Guess what?! IT's NATIONAL MUSEUM! Wah lao... How long never go liaos?! Wahaha... Yes, I went in the museum cuz it's free entry to ALL galleries. This "promotion for free entry to all galleries" will be held till the 4th January 2009! So people, if you hadn't visited the museum for a longggggggggg time, do drop by! It's really interesting inside, very different from what "YOU" had "LAST" saw, when u were still a young punk.

The National Museum divided itself to 6 galleries now. The gallery that made me like most is the "fashion" gallery as well as the "audio-visual gallery".

The fashion gallery is a unique gallery which housed all female dresses/ tops/ bottoms/ shoes/ accessories/ make ups of ALL TIMES. Meaning to say, the time line of fashion starts from 1950? I forgot, but what I noticed was around there lah... haha, and serious, womens' fashion for bags is still the same as now! They simply rotates nia... LOL. This gallery also has many BIG, IMPACTFUL quotes on the walls. Do Read Them! It really makes a woman feel better, it's a booster for a woman's self-esteem. wahaha...

The audio-visual gallery is really unique. When you first go in, the people incharge will hand you a "companion" device + headphone (that device is REALLY heavy can?!), which u can hang around your neck. It's like a path to follow. Your companion device will be activated with what number you keyed in, and "GO"(aka "enter"). How it worked is that, when you reach your first landing, notice that on the floor it will put on a label to which number you can key onto your device. So if the floor had a big sticker they wrote "Press Number 45". You key in "45+GO" on your device you can hear history of each artefact, person, folklore, or events! When you reach a certain destination already, you gotta choose your path that takes you to the end of your journey. You can only choose 1 path, cuz it's really long... hahaha... "Personal Path" or "Events Path". Make your pick!

There there... Here are some photos I took... Yes, Museum disallow photography. But there's only this ONE picture i took while inside the museum, a map of olden Singapore. There rest, it's all self-portraits (aka cam-whoring)... wahaha...

It's a BIG screen you saw yourself on it. But u don't know where u were being shoot from? New technology ba..

The museum i/c help me shoot de! wahaha...

I bet the museum IC loves my camera too! wahahhaa... He offered to help me take lotsa photos, here pose pose, there take take... LOLS!

These red chandeliers looks really pretty, and the uniqueness about it is that all will swing individually from right to left at different time intervals!

I'm not supposed to take pics here... But yeah...

not guilty at all!

Seah Eu Chin's history here~~

Some picture you will see at the entrance of galleries.

The beautiful circle ceiling...

And this is the "Olden Singapore Map". wahaha...

*loves*

Chapter 60: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

2008-12-26T00:03:00.003+08:00

Christmas Eve 2008

Wahaha, spent it at paw's place... quite fun la... these r jz some photos for memories:

so many people rite... wahaha... actually they're lewis's bros and their fiance' or girlfriends... LOLs...

but yesterday before we even went to paw's house, something killed our (lewis and I) mood and affected our emo. Cuz up at that carpark, we were reversing the van into the parking lot. WHO KNOWS, this REVERSAL crashed and broke our rear glass, as in that entire glass at the back of the car, was in PIECES. A BIG hole behind. damn!? That parking lot is damn evil i tell u. The architect of it was this "protruding" metal bar at that whole stretch of lots. Stupid aint it? Paw told us all the MPVs or Vans had accidents of crashed rear glass cuz of this PROTRUDING piece of metal bar. STUPID LEH?!

After what's so damn disheartening, we went up to Paw's house and found them all eating lots and lotsa food. There's sushi, pork knuckles, pork ribs, chicken wings (lewis bought it), pizza, KFC, etc... Lewis had lost his appetite ENTIRELY... haiz. He did not eat anything lor. I did lah... was famished. wahaha. So what we did after the fooding, was to play that up/down/colour, play poker, play blackjack, drink lotsa wines, some does mahjong... bla bla... o.o lost $40 ytd sommore. grrr!!! I really really hate that up/down/colour game lor! shit de, make me drink so much red wines! Hahahaha, bad guesser. Then again, the wines are really good.

so after all these foodies and funs, we left at aga 6am cuz scared kena roadblock. -_- damn shaggg... once reach at lewis's house, i cleared my make up and jitao koonz on the bed liaos.... Lewis no better, he oso shag until cannot mk it. Haiz... i don't think he had good rest, cuz at aga 10-11am he woke up and ask his bro to go with him to the van and clear e rest of the broken glass. =( poor darling... i was still tucked in bed while he went off to clear those rubbish..

when i finally woke up, it was 2+ le. Today is his ah mah's birthday oso... so after that, we set off at aga 3.40pm to go his sis's house. Wah lao eh... so many food lor. black pepper crab, cereal prawns, bamboo shoots with prawns, longevity noodles, mushroom and brocoli, veggie curry, sweet and sour pork rib, tom yam soup and birthday cake... hahaha..

the ah mah likes us to eat and eat de, so cute! I like his ah mah. wahaha...

after fooding that much we watched the thailand movie together lah, it was about "gon tao". >.< damn... duno what to say... it's cruel T.T... n yes, his sis, his mom and i were talking about this renting branded bags business. LOLs! eh, my LV i can rent it for $125/week leh... buay pai! den we discuss and discuss until so damn excited. LOLs!

*that toffee is always the SAME... EAT AND EAT AND EAT! wahahaha... bth that dog de lah.

Hope this year's christmas makes Lewis really happy. =)

Chapter 59: Days of us

2008-12-23T21:21:00.002+08:00

Soon, christmas is coming le...

I still clearly remember that last christmas, it was Kelvin, Janet, and Annie who celebrated that christmas with me. Oh yea, and that cell group of City Harvest Church. =)

I got a big brown bear from Kelvin as a present, from Janet I got a "Name Tag". Wahahahaha... It's seems so recent! A year really passed THIS FAST...

Last christmas, I still do not know you.
Last christmas, you celebrated your christmas alone, and with your bros.
Last christmas, is my first step away from nightmare too.

We met each other on a chinese new year, CHU YI. wahahaha... for ktv? with Janet and Kelvin? lOls!

These photos... =) *before we're together*

wahaha.. and photos of us being together le...

*loves*

wish that you're here beside me. =D

christmas season is indeed a HAPPY SEASON... =D

Chapter 58: When Style Meets Substance..

2008-12-23T20:56:00.002+08:00

When Style Meets Substance...

Canon Digital Ixus 870 IS...

it's my babe. *loves*

Chapter 57: Things about me

2008-12-21T00:19:00.004+08:00

6 Things about me (ref. from Elyn):

1. I treat my boyfriend better and above my friends and family even. I almost see love as everything and can give up my world for my right man.

2. I cannot drink coffee cuz I'll get hypertension, and I love Earl Grey ESPECIALLY.

3. I am materialistic, a diamond lover, a part-time slave for branded stuff, and respect the fact that money can do almost anything.

4. I hate and am terrified of butterflies, moths and cockroaches (esp flying ones). I abhor insects, all insects, and spiders too.

5. I am unable to make myself idolise any singers, dancers, performers, artistes.. bla... So I can never understand why Liru, Jenny, Elyn, used to be such crazy fans for their familiar "zai zai".. "vaness"... "niu nai"???

6. I have terrible temper, bad and nasty ones. Yea! Sayin' that, I've also toned down a lot compared to my past. Just don't trigger it, that's all. =D

*******

Chapter 56: Deviation

2008-12-17T23:18:00.004+08:00

Yeah. For new year clothes I think i more or less had finished my shopping ba. Any extras (later on) will just be in for a brand new year's wardrobe!

See pics! wahahaha... =D

NO. 1 - The 3/4 Pants~~

NO.2 - The Cardigans!

NO.3 - The Tops!

NO. 4 - The Spags!

NO.5 - My Black Evening Dress!

Yeah... Now I will just shop for a pair of black shiny Loafers ba.. =D
Think I'll get more floral design tops also... Needa belt T.T Mine's like "rotted" liaos lor.. haiz!
Forgets about LV for the time being ba... Can get anytime also, it will still be there de.

Yeah!

Chapter 55: Curb !

2008-12-17T00:48:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna stop all the wild imaginations of getting another LV and focus on getting something else!

1. Shiny Black Loafers (good friction base) <-- TOP PRIORITY
2. Belt (i wanted LV's badly but DUH!)
3. 3/4 pants - 2 pieces (white and preferably purple)
4. Charm Bracelet (Silver)
5. Dresses (2 pieces) - Floral preferably, and one piece plain
6. A proper handbag. (Focus on other bags than LV PLEASE)
7. Tops - I need more tops!

ok. deviation successful. Just focus on getting 1 pair of loafers that's it man. i'd enough of LV intoxication!!! think until cow come home i oso must NOT get another piece before i die on desire.

T.T

i need a pair of shiny black loafers............~~~

Chapter 54: 好爱好爱你！

2008-12-15T01:30:00.003+08:00

真的好爱你，看到你即使生气我也要推动一下自己的脾气。因为每次生气都会不知怎么地会突然蒸发一半。 (虽然我老是臭脸摆出，但也不是一件容易的事！) - 看到你总觉得你有种滑稽的表情嘛。。。生气了又突然发笑有一点怪啦。。。

现在的我好想念前几天的近距离哦。因为我全家人不在家我们才能在一起度过好几天。睡觉到一半突然睁开眼看到你的感觉虽然会吓倒（震一会儿~ 因为不习惯有人睡在旁边), 但是我却有种说不出的安全感，因为我被温暖的你抱着（虽然头一天你竟然一脚把我给踢下床！而且还是我的床！。哇哈哈哈！想到第二，第三天我报的仇就想发笑~）

日子过得很快，转眼间我们在一起也是有几个月了- 快一年了。怎么又好像我们才刚认识呢？想到我去年过得圣诞节，真的很令我害怕呢。。。时间过得这么快，我也就是在迅速的老化！天啊。。。我的皮肤开始出现黑色斑点了。。。 wth！但是还好有你在啦。。。都不管我长得这么丑了，我看我也不用太担心自己的花容失色吧~

现在好想咬你的脸。T.T 因为它真的，“肥肥嫩嫩的”！

我们最近好像有很多朋友结婚哦。。。眼见他们出双入对走在红地毯上，那种能传染给人的羡慕与幸福的感觉，让我真的，有好多思绪。。。

不知道如果我们真的结婚了会是怎样？你是否又会不小心的踩到我的婚纱？我会不会生气得面上发青？或者。。。你会不会要我穿上高跟鞋呢？然后当我们走上红地毯的时候因为我太高了，我得弯下腰亲吻你？多么希望你最好是不要吃饭时踢到我呢。。。 WAHAHA。。。开玩笑的啦。。。咱儿们大喜之日，我看这些种种应该不会发生！（最好。。不要发生！）

*你突然msn我说：

♂ 哇哈哈哈。。。命中注定I爱U。 says:
dar dar ^^ ty ^^
Laura says:
hmm?
♂ 哇哈哈哈。。。命中注定I爱U。 says:
ty for loving me ^^

让我好开心=D

好了。。。我也该睡了。。。老公我好爱你。 =D

*抱~*

Chapter 53: Frustration

2008-12-12T00:46:00.003+08:00

Seriously, I wish I got the time to not get online, not have a single time after work and just get so busy until Lewis buay tahan totally and must keep calling me ask me what i'm doing etc.

I hate his game - that JX thing. It's like once started I kena ignored like wtf? N he told me he quitted etc. Yes, temporarily only. Like smoking habit, from 1 stick/ day to now, 4 sticks/day. wtf rite? I oso think so.

Sometimes I feel perhaps I am unable to accept some parts in him. Esp. Gaming. Why not I game my day off and U keep asking me what i'm doing and i keep replying the same thing to u? Won't u get dulan of that answer? If u don't, I think perhaps I should try to stop contacting you for a period of time until you found out, I'm not around you that often anymore. You may try chasing me back for those lost time, but if anything happens to either of us, say... happen to me, perhaps you can spend more time feeling waste. How did you rather spend your time on JX than spend it on someone you love?

i don't understand, really.

---------------------------------------------------------

Back to down feelings yes. It's because of tomorrow's revenue call. I cannot help keep feeling lousy and bad. Every Friday makes me wanna cry. With such lousy people you're working with, and you are ANSWERABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS, plus no proper communication channel between u and that person, tell me what stories you can tell from the figures you are expected to meet.

is it tough luck? or am i really really unlucky to such point I made myself so miserable every friday?

i feel so shitty. damn it.

---------------------------------------------------------

the only happy thing today is like kena washed off and fade by my troubles. what's there to be happy about when you got to have that fucked up meeting at 9.15am later, and you're stressing to find/ search/ dig/ retrieve information (or not even any trails for you to read)?

damn it.

i really feel damn shitty! I will really appreciate if lewis had let his game down and called me up instead. damn JX!

Chapter 52: Our Long Holiday Together

2008-12-09T00:50:00.002+08:00

Long holidays are always nice, what makes mine exceptionally great is that my family are all at Malaysia during this holiday. I spent mine with Lewis only. =)

So on a Friday, he and I both went to his JC friend's wedding- Irene. WoW. They were together since JC till now, it's a 10 years long term relationship! It's SO incredible to spend just "courtship" and "boy-girl relationship" for 10 years before marriage! I heard that there's also split somewhere and patches later on. They must have loved each other ler =) Yes, that dinner we went caught us a surprise. First course they already served cold dish with sauteed and dressed abalone, pink dory ... Second course it's the "normal sharkfin". BUT! This sharkfin, is very VERY different. It's GREEN in color! What's better is that the vinegar to mix with this green sharkfin is in PINK! LOL! Goodness, I was quite shocked actually. It tasted good still.

Their wedding program is quite ... hmm... cost saving in a very wise way I should say. They sorta hired a live band to sing on stage. The EMcees did not talk as much as what we would usually see in normal wedding dinners we had attended before. The wedded couple, did not went on stage to give a testimony to thank their parents and friends! All these thank-you words were pre-recorded and filmed, then shown to us together with the customary ceremony recordings.... bla...bla.. LOLS! Save a lot of time lidat. Nevertheless, I loved the live band people (comprise of one lady who played the keyboard, a male singer, and a female singer). They called themselves "Little Dreams". Yes, they sing really beautifully- English/ Chinese/ Cantonese. Versatile!

Yes, I met Lewis's JC friends, took some pictures etc.. Had fun really. I still can't believe why his friends at 28, looked like they're just 22, 23... bah! They don't even look like their age !

When the whole dinner ended, Lewis went to my house for a rest... =)

Saturday!

It's really nice to wake up and find Lewis sleeping beside me only. Although in the middle of the night, I woke up (cuz i got a kick), and was stunned (for some time) to find a piece of white face beside me. LOL! Yes, he's got white fleshy and chubby cheeks!!! *loves*

Really, I forgot what we did on a Saturday. o.o I guess half the time i'm just dragging and den at the end of the day I went on and rested at his house. It's a lazy day la. LOL!

Sunday!

Lewis's mum gave me 2 Tupperwares... Madagascar de! so cute~!!! *LOVES*
N it's Eric's POH birthday! (Lewis's bro) We went to this Club Sake in Boat Quay and sing and joke and talk cock all night long. Aki's there too! Seriously, I really will feel very very MUCH comfortable when Aki's around. Somehow he's always able to make me relax really fast. haha... yea, I also broke the ice with Lewis's other friend- Jack. He's like damn lame can. Somehow keep kena me shoot and shoot until he bo wei gon.

Played the usual 5-10, dice, 7up, 007... ~ damn fun with so many people. Kenneth, Eric, Elly, Jack, Aki, Lewis and I were present! =D (Jason's the absentee ba... he went macau o.o with his gf. LOL)

*I drank like 3 small bottles of HoeGarden that night...*
*N i lost my voice partially due to too much laughter*

Monday

I started to dread Monday o.o because I gotta work and ... sobs... go home and sleep alone.. (YES, it's RIGHT NOW CAN). *cries*... Aiya... sian... tomorrow gotta work. o.o

Today Lewis and I spent so much $ on buying TOTO lor... LOL! But never tio. Sian!

Lewis also sorta cooked me 汤圆 also... *loves*... really la.. i feel very happy and 幸福 =x

****************************************

Dardar... I love you. ^_^ miss u loads already... =) hope weekend fastfast come and we can spend time together ! =)

Chapter 51: Greed!!!

2008-12-05T01:05:00.002+08:00

AH!!!!!!

i WANNA go KTV!!!

...

and i'm damn fucking tempted to buy a Omega ladies watch! CONSTELLATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

MORE N MORE LV...

...

GREED LAH... FUCK...

btw, Gucci having sale o.o haven't go leh.. heard it's 30%. wahaha...
can meet dardar today sometime later le!!! =D
together to a wedding~ (not ours...)

*singing american boy~*

Chapter 50: December Woes

2008-12-04T01:08:00.002+08:00

[ December Woes ]

sian man i tell u...

that fucked up manager JW is back at her crazy attempts to kill me.

seriously... how am i able to complete all her work in time for her when she only give me the documents at 4pm, and needs to be FINISHED at the end of the day?

Crazy. CRAZY!

i fucking hate her... damn it.

what's worse, is that there's more to come. not only what i get today...
---------------------------------x--------

anyways... i bought my black satin pouch at Tangs! muahahaha... it's s damn nice lor.. cost me $28.60 nia! Initial price is $39. =DDD... I have that Tangs rebate plus 6%!

and then i shop shop halfway, i bagged in a crayon eyeliner - Chanel. hmm... i see everyone in my office draw eye i oso want to draw ma... o.o lols... actually it's more like i need it for that wedding dinner this friday la... T.T look a bit more spectacular ba..

after i got that crayon le i grabbed the lancome 2way cake. -_- liquid foundation sometimes... cannot work as well as 2way cake de lor... esp when ur skin is flaking hor...applying liquid foundation is like killing ur face lidat... both image and skin health. machiam a part of ur skin flip n flip... so damn ugly. how much make up base or moisturiser u apply beforehand oso no use lor... zzz

sianed... [actually now i'm wearing a facial tissue mask lor.. for that flakes to go away]

aiyo.. actually all along i'm very curious how i will look like if i applied a super red lippy. LOL. so i made my first attempt to try it out... at Dior's counter de. that sales lady's so helpful i tell u. really! although at the end of the day i duno her name, n never buy that lippy, her service is so good it touched me la...

she really took out all the dior's red lippy, test it on her skin, and den see what is suitable for me and let me try all those she filtered out lor... i was so amazed that such service is still around!

chanel that one hor... the sales lady who served me cannot make it la... a bit too quiet and never smile liao. like i go there buy chanel's stuff i owe her money lidat.. zzz

lancome one is when i jz shoot out one canto word, she talk to me in canto all da way. i was lke... shiet!!.. den i gotta canto all the way to her oso. =/ bo ko leng wan me to like paiseh her ma... LOL.

---------------------------------x--------

if u found out hor... my english today damn bad can..
i'm really SO stress n stretched to my limit i cannot type a proper sentence out.
LOL!

T.T just how many times i feel like crying today alr...

T.T smoking doesn't bring troubles further either.

---------------------------------x--------

i need a hug... T.T HAIZ...
---------------------------------x--------

Chapter 49: Women

2008-11-30T00:52:00.003+08:00

[W 0 M e N]

In a woman's life, they should be equipped with many accessories to prove their youth. This is what i personally feel and believe in.

If a woman reached a stage of their life in being materialistic and lust for more branded bags and accessories like jewelleries or more lifestyle habits, they can't be pin-pointed as being money-spenders. The sole reason is because women simply age TOO FAST. Men being careless of what they're getting only happens when they are still "young". Those kindsa grab n go attitude. When men gets older however, they started lusting for recreational "accessories" like those golf sets, phones, cameras, whatever digital sets, etc, those that are interactive.

Well, I feel that women who doesn't admit to their materialistic self is being overly defensive. What for? Can you ensure that you'll still look as good as young when you put "these bags on you now" when u reached 30? 35? 40? Even your skin sags okay, why not dress up at YOUR BEST when you still have tout, firm and fair skin? You really wanna wear those branded bags and jewelleries and go have your lifestyle habit when you are OLD? Come on, even you blame time for it's unfair treatment towards women's skin, and the stereotyping of women's youthline. All women who reaches 29= pre-aunty. 30= confirm aunty.

BLAH!

In a woman's life, they should get these before it's really "too late".

1. LV Bag (MUST)

2. Chanel Bag (Not a Must but good to get)

3. Burberry Bag (Not a Must but easy to get)

4. Gucci Bag (Trend is to have one)

5. Aldo Heels (Sales job women sure will have)

6. Ferragammo Heels (Management women sure will get)

7. Chanel Perfume (Of course? Who don't? Chanel No.5? or Chance?)

8. Estee Lauder make up (Maybe your first branded make up)

9. Lancome make up (After you tried your first, this is your need)

10. Dior accessories (You'll realise that their's look cute)

11. Diamonds (OF COURSE LA, NO NEED EXPLAIN. WE NEED THESE)

12. White gold accessories (Normal to have)

13. Gem stones (Mood come sure will get)

14. Digital Perm Hair (Women now, once in their lifetime sure perm hair ma)

15. Rebonded Hair (which women don't do it now?)

16. Dyed Hair (common until cannot liao)

17. Highlighted Hair (wanna hiao sure do lor, cover white hair oso)

18. Manicure ( I don't do cuz i don't like)

19. Pedicure (My feet's ugly so I don't do)

20. SPA (All women goes at least once)

21. KTV (All women needs to vent)

22. Fine Dining (when they found a perfect guy to date and act gentle)

23. Books (I love them, but not all women likes it, but sometimes wanna buy for sake of it)

24. Laptop (Women loves to go online now OK? Gaming too.)

25. Sleek handphone (Pink, red, flat, sleek, shine, glam.... must touch screen~ LOL)

26. Black Dress (Because women are weird, they'll spend on black dresses at least once in a lifetime)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(don't know what i still miss out? LOL)

Anyway, for poor women like me, out there, all day long we hope we can get a rich husband, or if only "your husband is richer". If not, spend money on 4D or TOTO, hope tio already can get rich instantly. If not, go to chiong, hook more men and den start to feel "wanted" in a way etc ( i won't do these though)..

Well, key thing to note, poor is not a sin and all those "must gets" on my list, is something that you'll find at least one in your wardrobe or in your room. However, let's work towards women independence and den find one goal to achieve lor. Muahahahaha.... If not work so hard for what? KNS @#$%^&&^%@!@#$%!! Work like a cow, slave like a dog, in the end never get anything worthy of yours and save your youth up, will EMO UNBALANCE OK.

I admit, I'm so practical I'm materialistic. This is a material world. Let's just enjoy it while you can. Anyway after you die and leaves the world, you cannot bring anything along except having enjoyed your stay in this world, with this life. Why feel so suppressed then? Even giving such expensive gifts to your mum feels good. LOL.

Let's just enjoy woman-hood. =P

Chapter 48: Poverty.

2008-11-27T23:36:00.003+08:00

Poverty

Anyone who feel poor before will know how poverty taste like. I hate poverty and I know no one likes it. But just why some people can get so fucking rich and me, right here, is still sucking my thumb and waiting for money to drop?

Seems like even goals were all wiped out. What marriage, what degree, what fucking dreams made were all just dreams. Times are bad, market is bad, be vigilant, u may be sack.

What can i fucking do to sustain myself? DOH! All of what i have, I can't believe it either, but i got it all by myself. I Don'T deserve any gifts. N Yes, i'm very unbalanced emotionally. We're poor, we can't afford, we save like how we slaved like a dog (or a cow) for our jobs.

My future is going to be just that bad, that poor. We are not going to work on something we are good at. We cannot communicate to each other even anyway. At the end of the day, i was thrown by a fucking crude remark or a doubt, "I can not work hard. I can not tahan."

Looking at my job history, having worked from 8am to 4am even for days, I had went through.

Looking at my past, having worked consistently from 9pm to 2am (3am reached home), I've also managed it for a year plus.

Looking at my past where I run around looking for business, I don't think i'm a fucking bimbo who sits in office and file my nails.

In the end, I don't feel like i'm appreciated for my past. No one ever wanted to find out or know even, and then pass me such fucked up remarks of me. I am so useless right? Then just leave me alone alright? You needn't come to me anymore.

This feeling will definitely snowball.

He said he's tired, busy ALL THE TIME.

AM I NOT? I'm in a fucking bad shape also!

I'M BLOODY INCOHERENT NOW.

Chapter 47: OverSpeNdiNG!!!

2008-11-23T01:11:00.008+08:00

[ OverSPENDING ]

T_T... I'm convicted with overSPENDING, not acquitted, but guilty at the end.

Although guilty of spending SO much... it wouldn't stop me from getting more LV bags. lOls... I'm still looking out for more bags from them. I'm particularly in love with Eva Clutch. *loves*
But it cost me another $840 to get them. AHhhhhh~ I will like to bring this clutch along for a dinner leh... whatever dinner la... wedding... DND... T_T

Or should I buy this one instead...? Cost cheaper leh... aga $430 lor. Simple de la.

I'm intending to get one LV per quarter of the year, quarterly indulgence. hehe. The next one will be my Galliera PM (Azur). Damn. I give this very PRETTY bag up for Hampstead. T_T... My first LV ma... Their difference amount is $40. O_o. Hampstead cost me more... grrr...

These are my evidence of crime. *cries*

No.1 Indulgence.

Poh Heng simply lures me too much. Damn. That price really 不是人看的。KNS.. Diamonds got hold of me AGAIN! ARGHZ!

No.2 Indulgence.

Looks a "bit" big rite... Not so aunty leh this bag actually. It's very nice! Better than that very common NeverFull Monogram. I'm waiting for Damier Canvas NeverFull, till it's out I'll get it le. Wahahaha... =D

And it cost me this MUCH. WTH...

I'm not particularly sad over my spendings. Just learn to eat normal food lor. Don't so sharp mouth go to restaurants after restaurants and den in the end get fat also. Might as well spend on bags and wallets right? Bad diversion from food. But at least it will keep my body in shape. Win-win situation! Wahaha...

Passion Found: Louis Vuitton.
Emotions: Esctatic.

Hmmm. I probably will be working on some earrings making too. =P Need to create a passion to sustain myself and my motivation for L-I-F-E. =D Stay Tune!!! hehe...

Chapter 46: 爱你的我

2008-11-17T01:51:00.005+08:00

陈老公：

白发沧桑之后，我还是会对你说：“老伴。。。我依然深爱着你。”

你对我的付出，我很感动。无以回报，让我每天多疼爱你一些，多谅解你，也多包容你。。。

因为渐渐地，我发现我爱你比我更爱自己。

*抱*

-你老婆

Chapter 45: turning points...

2008-11-16T15:53:00.003+08:00

at lewis's house now...

All that happened yesterday, turned into my surrender towards guilt and a last respect to myself. Both are on different sides itself, tearin' me from left to right as usual. What make things different is I took a stronger stand towards self-respect. I must stand firm to my own decisions, my own rights and ideas. The hurting part towards mother, father and sister, is me dying to deviate from them. It cause a great bulk of guilt piling on my back and head.

I call this growing up, a part of growing. I do not understand how did I let my parents take over my "life" as an adult. Going home super early... cannot overnights... cannot go club... cannot mahjong... cannot ths cannot that... cannot meet boyfriend frequently... cannot talk too loud, cannot be firm on my own decisions must ask them first... I CANNOT accept this way of dictation anymore!

First thing to note:
I've grown up. I need my degree for my future. Fact is that i need to fend for myself to getting this goal done. I cannot contribute so much and spend so little on myself. I cannot feel balanced when I know I've given my big share of salary to you and u complained its still too little.

My suggestion is: If it's not enough, you can earn some yourself too. I find no problem in you getting out of the society to work though, you are only 46 yrs old. Don't behave like u're 64. YOU ARE NOT!

Second thing to note:
Decision wise, I take care of the consequence. But of course before getting there, I would have made a sound judgement before deciding. I wouldn't have decided on anything so freely and easily which its consequence is detrimental and will cause anyone except myself to be able to shoulder.

Third thing to note:
Please stop your stupid hallucinations and all the crap ideas. It's killing me alright? You and I want a HOME. Which means, a place to feel comfortable of, a place to relax and feel protected. Why the hell are you doing so much to chase me off?

Simply, I got feedbacks like these from YOU!

I got lewis so I got a shield alr. I can be defiant 100%
I disowned my family. (WHAT THE FUCK?!)
I disrespected you so you hated me to the core
You hated Lewis just as much cuz u feel he's looking down on you.
I am "BIG" and "Haolian + Haosiao" cuz we GOT car. (VAN OK?! and it's his FATHER'S)
I do not have father and mother cuz I go out more than staying back.
You said you wanted a family day. (IS IT POSSIBLE?!)
I am shit.

There are more that saddens me so much i shadn't say. Family day? Staying more at home? Is it possible??? How I tried ah, but simply, I will be taken to punch or scold. For no apparent reasons at all cuz I really really REALLY, am just doing my own stuff and not causing much troubles to them.

The argument of yesterday is because of my rubbish bags I placed outside in the living room. No space in my room ok? Besides, I told my sister I will be dealing with those rubbish on a Sunday. I told my mother to not touch the rubbish as I will clear it on my own. In the end she cleared it and said i anyhow throw stuff. Unbelieveably, I threw stuff that is really not in working condition or it's just pure rubbish, or it's too old (although can use still but we got too many things that can be used). She nags nvm.

She kept accusing me of being too rich and waste money like water. Even stuff that i kept from secondary school she wanna scold me for wasteful? COme on. Old stuff gone, new stuff den can come in. Why keep so much rubbish and when YOU DON'T USE IT TOO? Said "you" won't give me stuff anymore is ok de.

Then I told her something that spited her I don't know "why" exactly. I merely told her that the garang guni money remember to pass back to me as I keep my room like crazy. She turned really fedup and angry and said I am calculative with her, and said she never even thought of those, and said I never thanked her for packing up and "vetting" those rubbish before garang guni comes!

After that, I told her i needn't thank her, cuz I never asked her for help. She helped me on her own accord. But it's true, logically speaking, I really never wanted her to help me, cuz it cause a lot of trouble. I truly wanted to clear it up on my SUNDAY.

I believe I was truly wrong in saying those cuz of "timing problem". She went as far as saying those stupid stuff (refer above to bullets), and even chase me to get married. Nvm. She even said I am not part of the family. Nvm. SHE EVEN CHASED ME OUT! WTF.

Fine. SO out i go, and I went overnight for Mahjong. Dad called me up and fucked me. FOR WHAT? You chased me off, alright? I'M AN ADULT? ok?

'You' sent me an sms said I am disowning the family. I think you're ridiculous. 'You' also said I had greatly disappointed you all after I got lewis. I feel that it's more rubbish. OK? Nothing changed except 'you'. 'Your' expectations on me. OK?

Get a LIFE. Stop giving me these kind of mental abuse. It's really enough. I'm at my limits. Don't go on further anymore, I will break apart and perhaps, I cannot bring myself to forgive anymore. Outside of lying to 'you', I will spell out all the truths to 'YOU' then. 'You' won't be able to take it. But, by then, I won't care much.

Chapter 44: Appalled.

2008-11-06T22:39:00.002+08:00

I'm very very appalled by my ex-colleague's and ex-boss's attitude towards my investments and my past client's investment with them!

Very repeatedly, I had already told them to withdraw my investments as well as shirley's.

They never did for Shirley's. & Now shirley is really hacking my head off, i don't know what she'll do. but i'm really angry... did he do any thing for her account to WITHDRAWEVERYTHING ??? THE LOSSES ARE HUGE OK!

what the fuck!

for mine, he told me to get back to me by today. yet, nothing's heard. I NEED TO WITHDRAW MY CASH! i'm really going to go on to complain soon if there is nothing done on their part!

don't make me mess things up and ugly it.

it is IPP investments.

Chapter 43: 你不知道的是。。。

2008-11-02T03:17:00.002+08:00

从来你都不知道这些小小的事情。。。

虽然看来不起眼，但也的确是我爱你的方式。

I'm in love with all things you like.

I'm interested in all things that captured your attention.

I'm ready to give up what I like which you do not like. It can be anything.

Somehow, my world revolves around you. I tagged a label to anything that we said we liked, places we've been to, wishes and goals we aim for, smells that are like yours or yours only, anything and everything that involves only U.

You get what you wished for. A imperfect man whom I loved perfectly and sees perfectly. A love that is able to kill my own flaws and soften to him.

I used my own hands with my own pen and signed my life off to him willingly...

....

The probability of him going to be posted to overseas for a year seems to be crystalising in process... all the more I'm trapped in my own painted fog. I'm fucking afraid I'll be lost without him around me... damn it... It is a good opportunity, I want him to go too. The more I hit my chest with my own fists to logic with him with my clear and articulated voice in such conviction... the more I'm convicted with insecurity, fears and unexplainable sadness... In accounting terms, "it doesn't tally!" [i mean my head and my heart] HOW??? haiz... :(

On the other hand, I'm afraid I'll be kicked in my own ass by my own karma... Just as I departed France for my own country, a mth later I wanted to get rid of my ex cuz of his many weird temperaments and expectations.

Will i be the one to be written off next?

We'll really kiss goodbye then dardar... =( haiz... I'm jz damn pessismistic and a hypochondriac of all aspects of life.

Chapter 42: 令人愤怒的事。。。

2008-10-25T13:43:00.003+08:00

近来全国都在面临很大的危机。

如果美国人是全球最懒散，最疏忽，最贪心而导致全球金融危机而夸的害群之鸟，那么中国就是全球最黑心，最自我，最贪钱而导致全球生命危机而丧失性命的败类吧？

一个是钱，一个是命！

美国！！！

看看吧，美国之前大力催促国人向银行贷款，根本没有经过什么严厉地探讨向它们借钱贷款者的背景，没有仔细观察贷款者的“还债能力”。要借钱简直易如反掌，去一趟银行说要钱来买屋买车皆易事一椿！我虽然只是列出金融倒跨理由的其中之一，那么我们也已经很了解了吧！当然会有人看到破绽！人民或外国的富商也会乘机乘虚而入，借了一大笔钱后便逃之夭夭~~~

ＬＥＨＭＡＮ　ＢＲＯＴＨＥＲＳ　１５８　年历史的超大的财政机关面临了一个惨目人睹的结局！现在它流传的“迷你债卷”如果不小心地溜到你家中，那么你的下场也好比　ＬＥＨＭＡＮ　ＢＲＯＴＨＥＲＳ　了！　拿不回钱了。　但是如果你一生的积蓄都在哪头。。。　真的。。。　你能开始念般若菠萝蜜心经。。。　“色即是空，空即是色”　一生所拥有的都是色相，死了全都会变空的。　
咳！！！

中国！！！

令人听了就反感。以前还让我欣赏过？！
我们说奥运吧！　最可恶的就是他们“罪囚完美”　吧！！！　不是“追求完美”哦！！！　怎么可以这么奢侈了运动员而赶走居住在附近的老百姓？　怎么可以“偷龙转凤”？！　把那美妙声音的小妹妹放在幕后唱，推上了一个容貌较可爱的小妹妹配音？　中国在奥运前不是发了什么誓吗？　要以最诚实最真诚的运动精神呈现而出！果然啊，看了之后令人感叹！更惨的是，我们这些在家看电视奥运的都全被骗了！

他们居然把在场的　ＯＰＥＮＩＮＧ　仪式　用　ＲＥＨＥＲＳＡＬ　的来呈现给我们观赏。原因是　REHERSAL'S OPENING LOOKS BETTER。好假。中国人是这样的吗？为了完美？全都是完美的罪囚！

当一波未息，另一波又起时。。。　当真的令人心惶惶！　

过了不久，现在中国搞大了祸！

来了个“毒牛奶事件”。

喝了之后便会丧失性命的牛奶听过吗？吃了中国进口的奶制物品也会导致性命丧失你相信吗？可爱的中国人居然用上了“三聚氰铵”= melanine！Melanine 是用来放在塑料的一个药物，那么我们也知道塑料烧了之后便会产生一种有毒的气体，闻久了会中癌症。更何况是把它吃下肚！还是婴儿？！

真的是不敢相信啊! 偷什么功？！减什么料？！你们这些害死婴儿的祸害啊！真的害人害己，也害了全球！全球都在采取行动，将全部从中国来的奶制物品搁置了，烧掉了。但是可恶的中国人（一小群），居然以超低得价格把牛奶卖给年龄较大的小学生！太黑心了！！！明知道有毒害卖，不下地狱是不可能的！

但是话说回来，我国的农粮局也是太相信中国物品了。我一向来对我国的农粮局都觉得非常欣赏，但是为什么要等到现在才验奶粉？不是什么货品到了新加坡就要拿去化验，证实了没有害才推出来卖吗。。。？

世界真的打乱了！

国家太大也并非好事！

Chapter 41 - 了解

2008-10-12T01:48:00.006+08:00

人因了解在一起，也因了解而分离。 “了解” 到底是“恐怖”的，还是“实在”的？你认为呢？

若两人并不深深地了解对方，这样的话，那两人的生活方式，你又能否适应得了？

心里话：

我希望不是因为我太多心而造成的一种烦恼。你是不是在抗拒我？怎么了解的程度到顶就会被抗拒吗？你说你爱我，非常非常爱我。。。我也非常非常爱你。但是到底是什么突然蒸发了？我越来越觉得自己在你眼里失去魅力。我的自信好像 STI，时而好时而坏，现在正在滑落当中，无法自拔，走向股市暴跌趋势。

或许是我脑细胞太好，近来我真的很想介绍几个女孩让你瞧瞧，或者想着你自己去找好了。因为我开始觉得自己很差劲儿，心情也开始觉得悲哀。这样的感受真的超烂！你到底还不知道我陷入了胡思乱想的状态吧...？成天面对着自己悲观的人生，再问你在做什么的当时我又不禁想起了一些在逻辑上“不可能发生的事”！难道你也不觉得我很烦？？？

我是否已经开始有些忧郁。。。我觉得是。

如果你觉得了解太深是恐怖的, 那么现在的我就是你的反照.

Chapter 40: mi

2008-10-09T15:14:00.008+08:00

some pictures of myself o.o taken yesterday nia. lOl... no photoshop at all.

sEe fuLL piCtuRe hErE:

http://i526.photobucket.com/albums/cc342/Kaze08/DNO_3257-1.jpg

Chapter 39: Like the Wind... but still, thank you for passing by...

2008-10-08T00:55:00.002+08:00

Thank you, for coming into my life...

Although it's already late night and I am supposed to be on the bed now, as what u had just commanded me to, I will want to give thanks...

Like the wind, everything in life will soon pass...

Everything will lose it's significance, as time soon bleeches all colours of beautiful memories and wipe out lives...

A "Today" may not even finish it's cycle...

A "Tomorrow" may be something you never thought it wouldn't come...

Despite all of what may soon be swept pass by the wind... I hope my gratitude and thank-you(s) will also be swept together. You have given me so much; a strength powerful enough to not let me cry everyday, but smile and greet incoming obstacles instead.

P.S. I love you Lewis.

p.s. i love you too... mum... and dad... and sis.....

Chapter 38: On the Rocks

2008-10-06T22:10:00.007+08:00

haven't been updating my blog for many days le...

life's not that fantastic though... did u catch the hint of my typewritten-tone? "sound" kindsa drag ya.....

well to start with, i shall juz annouce my employment status and life in my new working area ba.

So I am currently working with Sun Microsystems as their Top Accounts Services Sales Associate. Ah ha, this mayyyyyyyy be one of the dream jobs "slackers" like me will love. wahaha xD.. how sO? See below bullets for my welfare ba~!~! xD

I can work from home (Access system from Home lor)
I can work late and leave early (Can come at 10am even)
Top Accounts are HUGE Accounts, therefore little is needed to be done
I belong to 80% administrative, 20% sales
Lunch time can be extended to as late as 2 hours (not a prob)
Its an American STYLE~~~ (freedom rules!)

weLL... welfare being welfare. Of course i DO set a standard for my OWN DISCIPLINE lah~

I arrive to office at around 9.30am o.o okok la, 9am no one in office leh... (or rather no one arrived yet at my department...)

However...

-_- this job requires a lot of my brain cells. Seriously I hadn't been absorbing so many things for a long time and i'm pretty amazed by my comprehension level with all these IT IT Stuff. lOl. I love there. =X

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alright... Deviate a lil here.

haizzzzz...

Family expectations again.

I am drilled down to a point where i really wish to speak to no one. Forever and ever they will have problems with my BGR. When it comes to my need for Freedom, I'm never showered. I snatch it for myself, fight for it and really, to the point of extreme defiance. This thought of defying and standing firm has been on my mind for as long as i started out my puberty. I sense mental abuse and feel fear for losing, hence I had not changed all these years. I did not walk out of my family, how ever they raved and ranted... I am grasped by my solid foundation of Filial Piety. Breaking this defences down is near impossibility u see, why??? JUST WHY am i FORCED to break this last level of defending fortress? Why can't they respect me of my personal space, privacy and my room to breathe? Can't I be left alone to grow?

-it repeats itself over and over again-

do you know how hard it is to fight for your own happiness? they fear you fall. they fear the "further consequence" of you falling, not your "immediate consequence", like, pain/ fracture.

I feel like crying everyday.

Please forgive me. I will plan a drastic change. Perhaps, even to someone you never wished u knew. N that's your 'real daughter'. N that's the REAL ME.

Chapter 37: marriage.

2008-09-12T00:22:00.007+08:00

DardaR TaNg says:
i promise u
i will be with u
u wun be alone
today jason ask me
r u going to marry laura
i say a definite yes

ع١٥٧ ω١th ΡΛδδΙΟη F rυΙτ (οωο) says:
why he ask this...

DardaR TaNg says:
how i know
when ppl feel like he wanna get marry le
usually will ask de la

ع١٥٧ ω١th ΡΛδδΙΟη F rυΙτ (οωο) says:
ok... understood. haha...

Listening to Ken Hirai's - Miracles.

I feel loved. At the very same time, the feeling of intense sadness overwhelmed me too. Perhaps i did too much wrongs before which landed me up in a familiar situation like before. Am i real to myself?

Few years back. Many promises were made... Human feelings are fickled, isn't it?

Confidence on self is leaking. I am not confident that I am able to keep Lewis for long... I feel afraid. Finally... yeah... I am scared.

Never got in such fearful situation before...

the fear of losing someone you love most.

finally...

i am defeated by myself.

I Love You.

Chapter 36: SkinnEd...

2008-09-10T06:17:00.002+08:00

shag like ... duno what... look at the hours?! it's 6.18am now! arghhhz...

i didn't know doing up a BLOG SKIN is so tough. and the thing is i didn't write this entire skin by myself of course, i did a partial work, bt sorta changed that stupid outlay ...zz

1. I did up the checks.
2. I did up the laces. as in i do all the alignments and struggle with the pixel thingy.
3. the measurement of the collage vs. the background... count count count!
4. the photo lighting and everything abt e foto la... zz as in, the effects.
5. positioning... o.o

haiz... first time do this do until so long... i took like 2 days liao? or 1and a half day ler...

k la... gg sleep now... really dying le... haha... but got lotsa satisfaction!

=D at least i sleep happily. =x

p.s. dardar dun scold me k! =D

Chapter 35: Spoilt/ Rotten

2008-09-05T03:03:00.006+08:00

I'm sorry hun... :(

Really, I can feel that the devil within me is dying to be back. As impatience took over, I got easily heated and really, I cannot stand such uncontrollable irate feeling overtaking the love I'm feeling for a person. If there's anything I had ever hated and despised myself, it will be this feeling. To be very sure, this impatience that I had in me is brewing it's deep seated hatred for "uselessness". Without a job, you lose your identity. I began to take Lewis for granted. If it hadn't happened, it's threatening to. If it had happened, I'm gonna put a stop to it. Either ways, the last thing I will ever hope/ wish/ pray/ prevented/ control / cut off ties/ change for is to NOT be back to being an unreasonable bitch. Whatever reasons that happened to land me up in being one before is no longer a reason. I hate that "some part in me" is beginning to take things for granted.

No. Lewis did not blame me. He loves me and he feels that it's ok, so long as i apologise, etc. Although I was spared from his exposure of hurt feelings, I definitely cannot forgive myself for my bad attitude I displayed just now.

-- I was in Bedok, on a cab, on my way to Lewis's. However, as the cab went round and round the area I began to feel really frustrated. The meter's jumping. No, i'm not blaming the cabby for going rounds. I really REALLY abhor the structure of the roads in bedok north. It sucks. So I was on my way, to pick Lewis up to another location. We're going to get the car there. However, Lewis told me he was waiting outside BLK 503. He was near the "main road". Waited there for my convenience (yes, and I knew it but I thrashed him like that... damn myself!) so that i do not need to turn in and out. THOSE ROADS. THOSE ROADS SUCK! I was in and out of the carpark, den down at his block at 508, few times. Really. Trying to locate 503 was as hard as getting the meter to jump another $3. So halfway as I called Lewis I lost all patience. (I thought to myself why Lewis was making things so difficult he might as well wait at his block... DAMN myself more... I even blamed him over the fone!) The few calls made already was of really ugly attitude. Lewis still sounded chirpy and happy though. Then, the last call I made, I shouted really loud in the cab... "GET TO UR BLOCK NOW LA! THE ROAD TURN ROUND AND ROUND CANNOT FIND U! FUCK LA!"

........................

i can't believe i did this. what's took over me?

Although he still sounded ok, and happy to see me...

I know, i'm a rotten personality. It's shown to myself as I mirrored. I'm spoilt rotten.

the ending?

Lewis send me back home of course, he still hugs me and loves me. I'm very sorry.

-as i tell myself inside. i will not be the same rotten me again.

Chapter 34: so much to say

2008-09-02T02:13:00.003+08:00

with a cig in my hand jz now. back with a stinking mouth and breathe. this is what i really dislike about it...zzz now gotta wash tt smell down with my choya ~_~

with much stress at hand... drinking seemed too expensive la. where got money keep buying choyas after choyas? lols. nah. i didn't get a pack this time. jz a stick to get rid of that stupid troubles... job job job... why the hell is market so bad now!!!

LoLs. to get on something happier, lewis brought mooncakes up to my house on sunday ^_^ mum seems happy. ahaha... den today, he came up with a box of durian for me and granny (cuz i wanted la). sweetie lai de. ^_^ i love u dardar.

recently, lewis has also been very troubled... shadn't get into it though, but i will be his strength! muahaha... hope the bad times will be over soon.

jz when can i get a job?! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh tao yan lah!

Chapter 33: Lewis Meets Mum!!

2008-08-29T02:36:00.005+08:00

^_^

Today! A happy day! =D

Lewis came to my house today. Ahhh... He looked so decent la. Why did he got that permit to come into my house was because of an argument between me and my mum today. Mum says that she hadn't even see him before, and yet, I was out with him all the time. She wanted to scold him. So ok... I called to ask Lewis up, to let mummy scold lo... =(

(but before he came up, he asked if he buy crab can or not. den mummy said cannot, cuz she said... "第一次来就杀生，不好。" I told lewis lo. Lewis said, "没有烧鸭，卤鸭可以吗？" I said Ok ah... den he continued, "一只还是半只？" I said anything... den he got 1 whole duck up. LOL!)

Who knows. When he arrived at my house, he wore a tie that I bought for him... Blue shirt. Arhahaha. Bought "卤鸭" up and smile sooooooo much. Mum's defense wall fell immediately after he called her and flashes his million dollar smile. LOL. However, after that smile, mum asked him to sit. rofls. He looked so serious. Mum said... "Sit la... Why so serious? o.o" LOL! To my surprise, she never "scolded" him. Not even with much questioning leh... o.o *shock*

arhahaha. den he said hello to my Ah Por... Ah Por likes him leh! arhahaha... she said... "eh...? hello hello, want eat luku?" LOLS!

Den talk a while, my sis oso express good impression of him ^_^ so happY!!! She can even smile and talk to him lor... Double surprise. =D

WHO KNOWS! DAD CAME HOME! Den Lewis called him "uncle". Den both nv talk much la. My heart sort of like leapt when Dad was back. Cuz i tot dad wouldn't like him ma... BUT BUT BUT. At the dining table... DAD WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED THE TALK!!! Oh god... And they both are laughing and talking about my dad's memory of his NS. Den Lewis also listened and respond as according. Mum and sis chipped in. Granny listen. I'm so happy! =D

really. I'm really so happy that today exists. Gave me such a big, pleasant surprise!

I love you dardar!!!

I love you mummy, daddy, qian, ah por!!!

^_^ SO HAPPY LAH!!!

*****************************************************

Chapter 32: sigh.

2008-08-29T02:08:00.004+08:00

I read someone's blog though, one of my bestie's bf's blog. I'm not ashamed to say, i've read his, due to boredom or sheer concern (which was really weird). How it goes after reading his blog was... why the hell does he sounded so much like my ex huh? Is it true, that all guys after they're in, or just out of NS, makes them a bunch of people who do not know how to balance their emotions? One sentence that sorta "impacted" me in a very bad way. I got quite upset after reading it. It goes like... "where were u when i nidded tat support from u most?"

It was like... sounding quite ridiculous... The reason being, because human aren't god, and really, they aren't. How would anyone know if u're feeling exceptionally upset or vulnerable at any point in time, when there wasn't really any signal shown? Sometimes, human tend to shut themselves in their own world when they're upset. The expectation exists, somehow, that they just feel that their "other half" ought to somehow "know", that they're feeling really upset and wanted to be sayang. I'd walked through dark waters. I know what it was like. But in retrospective, I felt that i was really unreasonable. Why? Because, at that point when i was feeling bad, doesn't it come to me to know too, that my other half was feeling just as bad? Will he be laughing at me, if i'm feeling bad? Wouldn't he be as upset as I? He will, definitely will, if he loves me. Doesn't it sound logical?

Then again. Human at a certain point in their lives, tend to lose control of their own emotion. I will place it as a growing up process. They're defensive. They do not listen. They pluck certain word out of a huge sentence that somehow "offended them" and den blew their tops over it. Why do they just spend a little more patience, to listen to the entire story before plucking something out of an innocent sentence of sheer concern? Does sarcasm really work? If it does, why does it makes u feel upset? Why? Ask yourself why. Reflect! Please!

(i'm also learning, still learning...)

Seriously speaking... It really felt nolstagic. My ex was one person like that. I hated it, seriously. I went to a point of knowing that he was totally immature and my temper was just too bad to rationalise anything out with him. So was he. It was a tough route. We past it. Bad memories. So what? I'd picked precious lessons out of the entire mess. However hurt that was inflicted was only temporary. How do u expect yourself to ever hate a person for your entire life? Wasting part of your brain compartment just to contain his bad doings and make yourself feel miserable for your entire life? No, it's not worth it, and to go deeper in, you're really wasting your kindness. You are surrendering yourself to that pitch darkness of hatred. What for?! It doesn't even buy you lunch to hate someone that long. Doesn't bring you any money, or means of living. Doesn't really motivate you either, does it?

Then to go back to the topic of this guy's blog. I viewed him as a normal person but with an erratic emotional swing. Perhaps due to stress, or due to the "growing up process", or lack of understanding of himself, or women, etc... bla... I don't know.

I wouldn't say that he doesn't love my friend, perhaps somewhere he does, but do not know how to express it correctly. I've dealt with him before though... I do not like that experience. I felt like, I've wasted a part of me talking to him reasons.

I hope that as time passes, he grows. IF really possible, please bring her happiness, will u?

***

Aiks... and earlier on, i've got bestie who called me up. She was crying on the other end. I hope she's alright after the cry. People, CRY OK? IF YOU'RE FEELING UPSET ETC... DON'T BOTTLE UP! IT WOULDN'T HELP YOU ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! Soon, it will affect your PHYSICAL HEALTH! Crying, is not a weakness. It is a process that makes you stronger after each set back. In my opinion, I feel that whoever says that crying is a weakness, are just human who hold too hard on themselves. If they're to fall, it may really be a bad one. Aiks. Yet, for some, they're really strong human who can defeat tears! Muahaha. I bet they trained their eye muscles. =D

*control! controllllll....!!! tears!!!!!! don't u dare fall!!! connnnntrrroolll...-gekgekgek-* ok, it's a joke la. =)

Chapter 31: [loves]

2008-08-21T01:16:00.003+08:00

DardaR TaNg says:
dar

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
later i bo hiu go to vitas
grrrr
yes dardar?

DardaR TaNg says:
/hug

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
u haiz simi

DardaR TaNg says:
2010

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
dun lidat leh... grrr

DardaR TaNg says:
okie ?

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
simi thing 2010?

DardaR TaNg says:
ROM

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
.........

DardaR TaNg says:
?
?

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
this is asking me nia

DardaR TaNg says:
:D

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
or this is proposing ?
or this is discussion?

DardaR TaNg says:
alert nia
propose where got lidat de

°•.♥.•° ع١٥٧ DعDiCaTi٥N°•.♥.•° says:
yea lor
over msn grrr

DardaR TaNg says:
u r best
confirm le

*******************************************************

[haha... i feel so happy.]

-[loves]-

Chapter 30: 亲爱的你。。。

2008-08-18T04:20:00.003+08:00

亲爱的你，

我有好多好多话想对你说。虽然我们俩常见面，又常说话，但是话怎么说都是不够的。这不是一个让人读了会觉得肉麻的 “blog entry”。只是我觉得在一起的理由，就是有了说也说不完的话题，总是令双方都觉得新鲜的事情或咨询。在一起的道理不是要这样吗？或许，对于某些人他们“在一起”的定义不同吧。有些人认为在一起是不需要说太多也能完全明白对方，又有些人认为在一起说多错多，希望不要说更好。也有人认为在一起需要多多沟通来了解对方，反倒了解够了就不需要太明白说明对方的立场。在我的想法范围内，因为感情太深太玄了，不易用言语来描述，我才要坦坦然然的承认 “我爱你”。不论何时，不论是什么样的情况之下，管它是否太暧昧或太肉麻，管它是不是对的时间来表达，我总要让你知道你对我多么重要。

所以。。。如果明天，我比你走得早，我走得安心。我把我全部的都给了你。生前一段刻骨民心的爱情。

我会多方面的支持你，不论你从是什么样子的行业，或者是你对自己不够自信的时候要记得，我一定站在你身旁的。不，我不会气馁你。不，我更不会瞧不起你。是你说的，我们是一起的。什么都好，除非真的走了，不然活着地时候一定是 “one unit”，是“我们”，不会有一秒钟的“我" 而已。。。要记得哦！

**********************************

Anyone carrying E66, tell me something about it pls o.o says:
really wish we stay together :'(

°•.♥.•° Luv °•.♥.•° says:
wish i can pei u

Anyone carrying E66, tell me something about it pls o.o says:
i want give my all to u :'(

**********************************

there will be a day where we will be able to ...
听着我们从前的故事，手牵着手走向生命的终点。直到那时，让我们又在一起，写下一个完美分离的故事。

=）

Chapter 29: I want it badly...

2008-08-12T02:21:00.004+08:00

arghx! ! !

pls pls pls gimme that call.

I really want that job damn badly.. Badly... BAdly.. BADly... BADLy... BADLY... BADLY!!!

aiyo...

dardar is sick... every sunday sure sick de... his cold is really getting onto him man. hais.. I really really hope he goes to doctor tomorrow, he's just so >_< 不听话！Whereas on the other hand, if i'm sick already, he'll pester me to the doctor, and he REALLY PESTERS ME TO GO TO ONE. SO !

if tomorrow he's till unwell i'm gonna appear right at his doorstep and muahaha.. carry him to the doctor! *flash muscles*

-_-

It has been so long since I'm "employed" and "feel employed". Really cannot wait le... i wonder if this is punishment to me. The sense of uselessness is calling at the back of my brain. >.<

*RANDOM*

And Yes, I've also made a decision to take up a part time degree course with UOL le. muahahaha...

I'm gonna take up the Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Accountancy and Finance.

Aiks... need to save up to about $20k aside le... *_* what a huge amount ah... can really forget about my Europe Trip le.. =( haiz..

Well... Laura Lam loves to count. So as i count and count, i'm counting my way up to the number of people whom I want to invite to my wedding (should i be wedded).

Recently there's just too much news of people getting wedded, firing another big hole in my pocket. Ar, of course, I'll congratulate them la. =D but aiyo... the cost of marriage is so damn high...

Rough calculation:

1. Book restaurant, say one table $688 or $888.
Most people will have about 50 tables. = $34,400 or $44,400

2. Wedding Package for Bride & Groom (with gown/makeup/hairdo/overseas photoshooting)
Most women loves choosing their ROM Dress/ Bridal Gown/ Dinner Gown = $10,000 (est.)

3. For men, their wife's wedding ring
(1 carat, F colour, VVS2, brilliant fanciful cuts) = $8000 (est.)

4. All that customary procedure needs money leh?! Angpao and flowers and 兄弟费
= $4000 (play safe to put this amount aside ba~~ haha.)

5. Invitation Miscellaneous Costs
(Counting in unique printed cards/ all the manicure & pedicure/ Spa/etc)
= $5000 (est.)

6. Your Flat downpayment = $30,000

7. Flat Renovation = $55,000 (if u want to save lor... average is sth lidat)

8. Furnitures!
- 1 set of Leather Sofa (hall)
- 1 set of cushion sofa (guestroom)
- 2 sets of Plasma TV (masters bedroom / Living Room)
- Master bedroom King size bed
- 1 Super Single bed
- Pillows
- Refrigerator
- Washing Machine
- 1 wok
- 1 slow cooker
- 2 pans
- 1 saucer
- 1 kettle
- 1 thermo flask
- 1 microwave
- 1 oven
- 1 rice cooker
- 1 Blender
- 1 Toaster
- Cutlery such as chopper, knife, peeler
- Glassware; drinking glasses, vase, champagne glasses, alcohol glasses
- 10 Bowls (Porcelain)
- 20 Plates (Porcelain)
- 10 Plastic Plates
- 30 sets of forks and spoon and chopsticks
- 3 big bookshelves
- 5 portraits (for deco)
- 1 Desktop
- 1 Printer/ Scanner
- 1 cordless phone
- 3 Air Conditioner (living room/ your master bedroom/ guest room)
- 2 shower system (in kitchen/ your master bedroom)
- Vacumn Cleaner
- Electric Iron
- 1 Makeup desk (in master bedroom)
- 3 wardrobes (built-in master bedroom/ another room)
- HiFi System
- Ceiling Fans (2 in living room)
- 3 electric Fans (in masters bedroom / 2 in living room)
- Your 书桌
- Dining Table - with 6 chairs
- Tea Table in living room
- 3 Sinks (1 in masters bedroom/ 1 in kitchen for cooking/ 1 in kitchen toilet)
- 5 Cabinets (2 in masters bedroom / one in living room / 2 in study room)
- Bathroom Accessories
- Kitchen Stove
- 神台/ 坦诚
- 佛像
- 看风水的费用
- Wooden Doors and Steel Gates?
- Shoe Rack
- Computer Desk
- Curtain Costs (or anything that covers ur window area for shade)
- Painting costs?
- miscellaneous handling charges
- other costs that i missed out.

MUAHAHAHAHHAA.... MARRIAGE.... ARE FOR THE RICH ONLY! =P UNLESS, U WANT TO BE IN DEBTS MAN!

hahaha... my goodness..

i can't believe it's THIS EXPENSIVE to get married. *faints*

but...

i still wanna be married one day. =)

Chapter 28: All i wanna do is find a way back into love...

2008-08-09T02:18:00.005+08:00

- All i wanna do is find a way back into love.... -

as i hymm along this song that played on my mind, incidentally, i gathered more thoughts that seemed to clump together which wavered my emotions.

recently i do not act normally. apparently, something at the back of my head is bothering me a lot.

we were taught since young how to define happiness. somehow, it is simpler when we were younger. i stumped across many definitions which i wasn't used to be taught, those weren't taught however, had an effect on me now. i am pretty confused by the world now. i don't know if the problem lies in the influence of external factors, or am i stabbed by internal factors.

the world i live in now seemed so damn depressing.

i hate the word money. everything is measured up to dollars and cents to price it's worth. everyone slaved themselves willing to money. the world we live in is simply too practical, it does not have any space for us to be happy, without the use of money. we are not allowed to. in Singapore, although safe, stable, and peaceful, i seem too greedy to comment too much of what many people is dreaming to have; to live in peace. however, in singapore, no money = no peace.

once again. i'm upset.

once again, i'm emotional.

once again, the man who loves me, is upset by my unhappiness.

once again, i blamed myself for being greedy.

and

i'm worried...

my fear factor seemed very imminent. i'm so afraid i'll break apart cuz of money factor. it's not because he's unable to give, i just feel that i want too much. i feel so inadequate... i feel that at my age at 22, i am in need of fun. i am in need of what he had been through before. i feel jealous... why am i taken off all the fun that i am deserved of... just why the hell... do i need to behave like i'm 30 when i'm only 22? why do i talk and think like i'm so old, when i'm not. why am i endowed with a bit more maturity instead of more impulsiveness?

i hate the fact that i am isolated by my situation. because of such stupid factors that detered my need to be wild, for even a while, i'll be satisfied.

for once, to be really true to myself...

i really need to party. i'm sorry. but internally, i feel really terrible to be a mature, good, sensible, practical girl. i feel suppressed... really, very, suppressed.

it just makes me feel like crying.

why the hell am i deprived of what i should have?!

wtf...

i'm damn confused and really, i really feel angry of myself. no one else to blame, no?

Chapter 27: latelatelate adolesence.

2008-08-04T02:55:00.006+08:00

对的人 - 戴爱玲

你问在我心中是否还苦恼

那次受伤否决了爱的好

谢谢你的关照我一切都好

一个人不算困扰

爱虽然很美妙却不能为了寂寞又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待仔细寻找感觉很重要

宁可空白了手等候一次真心的拥抱

我相信在(这个)世界上一定会遇到

对的人出现(在眼角)

那次流过的泪让我学习到

如何祝福如何转身不要

在眼泪体会到与自己拥抱

爱不是一种需要是一种对照

能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少

然后得到多少并不计较

当我想清楚的时候我就算已经准备好

放手去爱海阔天高

喔...耶...

*********

Somehow Lewis likes this song, when I read the lyrics afterwards, I understood why, I think. . .

The deepest defeat well buried by me resurfaced, I couldn't help feeling ashamed and disappointed. As the past memories unlocked itself to help learn the mistakes once committed, pain came along with it, the price one had to pay for when escapism was once chosen. The blinded belief of "ignorance is protection" is like an ostrich burying its head in the sand. Coupled with a few friends like "directionless" and "Life is like a dream" killed an awakened mind, the only residual faith that was left for no one to pick, (now) got itself found instead. Resultant?... was a dull mind, loss of self-esteem, inconfidence, confusion, a bit more towards a lifeless organism... Now, it was called upon onto this human to come round to consciousness and gather innerstrength to once stand up to face the defeat and move on with more victories along the way. It's like a voice calling the soul in deep-sleep to its wake...

Finally, is it really "finally" already? Can I pick up lessons now, learn it and address with humbleness? Will I be able to finally, let down my pride and face the world with a kind of bravery as encouraged by my loved ones?

he's arrived...

but, will i be able to receive him? i felt like i'm unworthy after all that had happened onto me...

... i guess i'm just feeling inferior.

Chapter 26: 我

2008-07-26T02:19:00.014+08:00

最近的心情非常混乱，搞得身边的人都为我担心。然而，我却还继续自暴自弃，心情如美丽的晴天转为暴风雨，又再转变成了阴天。一整天一副泄气的样子，真的很像刚被抽完气了的气球。不仅如此，我的思绪也影响了我身边的人。显然地，我的言行举止，也开始变得非常的怪异，说的话和做的事都不搭配。真是糟糕。。。这样的我，精神上的叛乱，折磨了一个冷静思考的头脑。我开始无法冷静下来，想天想地、想死想熬、想叛想定、想情想钱。哎！！！真的“去笑”（ki siao）了！！！

又是令人泄气的一天。

怎么我会面临这样的局面啊！！！真是想不透！其实也没什么大不了的事情，想开了自然能够“放轻松”。每个人也同样经过的过程，我却摸不过去？！真的很气馁！怎么我就不能够像别人一样，乘机享受一番？没有钱就不能享受吗？就没有了资格吗？怎么自己把自己的人生弄得阴霾？难道非要把自己搞跨了，精神崩溃了，我才学会怎样“放开”？真是自讨苦吃！！！死了也活该！

气馁有何用处？？？

就像鸿川说的，

“生气有用吗？能解决问题吗？如果不能，生气也没有用，就放开吧！没有理由让自己继续消沉下去，就算消沉了又怎样？能解决问题吗？事情如果不想办法解决，问题它还是存在着的。”

这句话说得一点也没错！但是，我要几时才能够真正了解，真正做到他所说的呢？当我听到他说的这句话，倔强的心不禁晃了一晃。真的不知道要怎样回复这一番话。所以。。。我又选择了强辩。赢不了，但至少从中也了解了许多。我了解事情的方式就是属于“强辩性”的。即使我说出了没有分量的废话，我得到的却是富有智慧的回答。得以我回了家之后，慢慢地嚼着脑里刚被我硬硬塞得满满的学问；而那是我在当时，强力拒绝又反对的立场。

我就是这样子。

自我中心为主，被称为DIVA。只在乎环绕在我身边的事情、变动、人物。从来都不对“除了我以外” 的“新鲜咨询” 产生任何的兴趣。其实我也已经察觉到了我这样性格上的问题。我有对此问题进行改正，尽量不要太顾自己的需要，也要顾虑他人的感受和想法。我知道我还做得不够好，但是除了给予我多点时间之外，我也实在想不出一个两全其美的妙计。固执，真的很麻烦！！！死不认输的性格，更麻烦！！！！！！！！

改编自己的人生吧！

不是改变而已，是改编。需要重整，需要从别人的经验/痛苦中吸取教训。把心扇开大！我要把我的心开得大大地！我要学会看开！我要学会聆听！我必须学会。。。这样我才不负所望，让我的父母，鸿川，妹妹为我感到欣慰。

原来，我才在成长过程中，走了那么一小段的路。还经不起大风吹、暴风雨。这样的我，根本不算什么。垃圾都谈不上。因为，我没有走过垃圾走过的旅程。这样的我，没有资格泄气，更没有资格让给予我生命的父母，看到我在我的生命油上黑色的漆！

我实在是太惭愧了。。。

Chapter 25: Addict

2008-07-22T03:56:00.002+08:00

i hate the fact that i'm allergic to alcohol.

i'm gonna get rid of it.

..
...
....

cuz i love vsop martell. darn. very addicted to it already.

some weird changes in me is going on. I guess i'm too bored. Time to try out new stunts. I hope i won't pick up bad habits as i go along. >_<

i wanna party so much............................................ =(

Chapter 24 : 谢谢。

2008-07-21T05:44:00.006+08:00

it's already very late... but i can't sleep. it's ok, really ok to not sleep yet. what matters is what i'm feeling at this point in time that sets me in thoughts - happy thoughts... very very happy thoughts. i cannot bear to sleep. what if i don't wake up tomorrow? then i think again..

"at least.. i finally understand what it means by this sentence...

‘其实爱对了人，情人节每天都过'

Even if i don't wake up tomorrow...

I celebrated, happily, my valentines' day with someone i love deeply."

I'm smiling.

I embrace this deep seated feeling in my heart. I'm happy now, way happier than before... I know for sure. If one day something shall happen unto me, and I'm lost forever, this deep feeling is almost impossible to erase. Fairy tale like... I don't want it to go away ever.

Although, sometimes life can get a bit dull, I am still happy. I get to see you still. I am really very very happy. So, please don't self blame, please don't apologise. Things will work out definitely. I just need to take a few jump-arounds to feel energised.

I'm smiling.

Everyday I want to thank you. Thank you for bring so much happiness in my life. It's a simple joy. This moment in time, someone may search for a lifetime. I thank God everyday.

I love you, Mr. Tang.

Thank you for letting me in your life.

Chapter 23...: InDuLgEnCe <3 $$$

2008-07-03T15:35:00.008+08:00

Oh mi gosh... Recently I've been spending like too much already! However, saying this makes me feel so happy =D

1. Christian Dior - Pure Poison Parfum 100ml - $167

2. Gucci Embossed Belt - $4xx (for dardar)

3. Longchamp Bag - $185

4. Coach Bag (Big square) - $675

5. Meals - Totalled up to around - $100

darn... i've spent like over a thousand.

ArGh. I can't live without money~! Better earn more before i spend it all...

So i'm going to get more stuff really, I'm getting more and more bimboish, but it's good isn't it? At least i find a meaning to earning money though... DUH!

1. Montblanc Pen (ladies), blue jewel, engraved - $600

2. LV Alma epi leather -$1500

3. LV Black epi leather belt - $567

4. Gucci Big leather tote, shiny brown leather outline - $950

5. Christian Dior make up base, light shade technology + SPF -$75

6. Aigner, white bag with golden underlining and light brown leather - $780

7. Burberry round pink leather bag - $1200

*loves*

***********

Talking about Lewis's birthday =D

Well, im so happy to see him happy upon receiving his gift. *loves*

In fact, his friends celebrated with him + me his birthday on sat, which is 28th june la... We ate steam boat... hmmm somehow i'm just not feeling good about the outing, like i'm outcasted or what, not part of the gang and i feel like i'm not in place. I can feel as though his friends are "avoiding" me in a way. I don't know though, perhaps i'm too sensitive. But duh... what if i'm not? duhh...

after that went to this Rowell Pub to drink la... forever going to this ah neh place.. boring.. and a lot of a gua... hehe.. overall not bad though... drank martell green tea... quite a bit... surprised that i did not get drunk and rashes.

Well... I was almost drunk yesterday after drinking red wine.. Somehow Red wine are more "permeable" than hard liquer? Get drunk quite fast man.. Was drinking with Lewis and Kenneth at Oasis yesterday, this "WOLF BLASS" Yellow Lable ... Hiong ah... get so tipsy topsy after my 5th glass ... and gotta be sent back to Lewis's house by a cab.. can't even walk properly.. LOL...

but the wine's good... sweet... =)

Chapter 22... : face off..

2008-06-21T17:23:00.002+08:00

One day i woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and i decided...

I shall not crap anymore.

All else constant, i finally feel like i'm a "2nd class" compared to "normal human being".

Being a clown for the longest time in my life, where is my sense of authenticity? All along i hadn't even feel happy crapping around. Talking in those hokkein lingos and acted like i'm sucha chor lor person left me a residual feeling of emptiness and faked-ness.

I conned too many, i conned myself at last. 自欺欺人。

I need my faith back in me. Patrick Tan who made his speech made me felt overly exposed and when i mirrored back to myself, i felt like i hadn't been who i really am. To please many, i did too much to blend myself in with them. Not that it isn't good, but it's really not in my blood to go around, being a san-ba.

Many times, when people in your lives stepped into depression, or sadness or whatever it is associating with what read as "negativity", the basic human instinct is to help them get out of it.

Apparently, i hadn't done anything to make myself stay afloat; calling for help.

When i sunk, no one knows.

It is not about GETTING BACK TO OLD SELF, but rather, to let my own subconscious self, my real soul take over my conscious mind. I really feel very numbed, very tired, very confused, and truly, i don't feel real. I never displayed true feelings at 100% before. It's often leveraged with 60% or more of faked-ness.

Its time for me to recall and re-establish my own well-being again.

I'm out for a big turnaround. It will definitely be more introverted than extrovert. I'm also too tired to explain myself for what i did. I seriously despise shallow individual.

***

Chapter 21 ... Happy 3 months! [feat. Pride]

2008-06-03T16:35:00.006+08:00

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead, we should be perfecting the love we give.

Saying that...

Happy 3 months to us!!!

I wish to give the above words as present to you today, I shall act as above.

I love you hun... <3

Chapter 20... Control over self.

2008-06-02T16:03:00.004+08:00

I came to realise something valuable.

If you do not know yourself well enough, sure enough, you are very likely to be seen through like a transparent glass by others who went through much more ordeals than yourself. Either which, you can least expect anyone too, to understand you.

Incidentally, no one ever shut themselves with "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"instead of going around telling people "I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF!" "

There are many reasons to why people say these.

These people hadn't been able to take control of their own life, make decisions for their life and stick with the consequence that follows on. They are people who do not take initiative, but besides initiative, they hadn't been proactive people who knows what is their end in mind. What do you see in yourself? Do you know what's your strength and weaknesses?

For me, i had more or less identified them. Theres an internal conflict with what I'm required of and what i can provide. I can't work that out. I thought, all along, there's someone who can. Apparently, it's not really in that way as I thought would be. The closer i'm being held naked and the longer i'm bring told I'm seen through, which really happened, the more i cowered with fear.

I fear myself. I fear the drastic decision and actions I will take in the end to cease such conflict. It's depressing enough to fight it alone.

It's even more depressing to see myself stark naked in the eyes of my mum. So, all along, what i wanted was to just follow a great leader. Has he came into my life already, or am i still waiting for him?

I feel stupid. Everyone whom i spoke to is telling me I'm a like total failure.

but fuck u.

I'll make my way through. whether u understand it or not, my euphoric pleasure comes in when i understand it myself more than anyone. Don't try timing my success. I'll fight this battle alone. So be it. Anyway, you will come to realise it sooner or later after I've make my actions clear. By then, there should be an understanding established already. And don't ask me. I hate to explain.

Chapter 19...: 我最爱的人。。。

2008-05-24T03:35:00.002+08:00

其实我不知道应该用华语或者英语写这篇blog。。。还是mix吧！

I fall in love...

So many past relationships that bogged me down of my vision of love. I hadn't quite remember how I used to view love as. Today, I'm writing this on my blog, because I'm currently in a relationship that brings tears to my eyes so often... when i think about it... when i feel of it... when finally, a smile drew across my face as i see him, walking closer and embrace me wholly. I'm very consumed in a love that loves me too. My vision of love that was coloured by mud washes itself with my many tears fell, cleansing my heart all over again.

Renewed... As he smiles, it moves me a lot. Each affirmation that he gives me brings me to new height. It brings me into believing that i can do much more, for the future and happiness.

Polished... my personality very much shaped with soft notes leaving behind.

Refined... i'm brought to a point where i learn how to love a person in their way, slowly. I never thought i will ever follow another's idea than my own...

A man, who looks in the future is holding my hand tight, bringing me along to fly with him. I had never thought i could find anyone who thinks as deep as I do... but he thinks way ahead of me. A visionary man, a man who showers me his care and love... i love u deep...

一辈子寻找的爱，就在这一瞬间把握在手心。

我并不单纯，但怎么遇见了你，我却变得傻傻的。。。我说不出口。虽然很想把心掏出来让你看个清楚，我又怎么糊里糊涂起来？这种感觉，是我一辈子感觉第一次到的。

其实在你抱着我的时候，眼泪是会非常轻易的留下来的。。。

我那刚强的一面，在抱着你的时候立刻被溶解，浮现出了脆弱的我。。。怎么这样子的我，就只是在你面前表现出来？每次你见到我流泪，你那担心却又匪夷所思的表情，让我的心摇摇晃晃的。然后我就会有一种非常特殊的感觉，一种被你疼到极点得感觉，也是一种被你深爱的感觉。这会让我哭得更严重。。。 -_- 非常古怪吧！哈哈哈。。。

***
我最爱的人。。。谢谢你。。。在我的生命降下了希望，让我一次又一次的感动。

Chapter 18...: Damn down...

2008-05-16T18:56:00.005+08:00

i cannot understand what did i do wrong. but i feel like i've did something wrong. perhaps what lewis said is right. i'm really wrong in the first place. as a friend, i should stand by her no matter what ba?

perhaps i should be more understanding. i shouldn't flare a single bit and let her whack me instead. the plight she's in now i should have known de. Given that state, anyone will result like this upon flare. i should have just be more tolerant and stop my nonsense with her guy. damn... i hadn't been feeling like this for the longest time man.

i guess next time i should play it smarter. just listen and answer her questions direct. instead of fending up more bad things about that guy whom i thought had "AT LEAST" grown up a little bit. I had told him to be tolerant. Instead, i didn't do what i preached. damn shameful.

i don't know. but everything happens for a reason. the right reasons need to be found by the right person. all else doesn't really matter if the key is compatible with the lock. however when it doesn't, the struggle put into inserting, twisting and bending the key, won't ever lead to an unlock lock.

hais... i had let this affected my day like that. how unproductive.

*************************

recently hadn't gotten any sale leh...

why is it that my business had went downstream all of a sudden?

i hope my fever never come back. and HOPE IS GOOD.

my $200,000 UT this month. Can my personal target be hit? Please let it be reached......

damn down... wth.

Chapter 17...: Too much.

2008-05-16T14:10:00.004+08:00

Back with a load of shit to vent here.

So much for being a friend huh? So much for being a kaypo? So muchhhh for listening and gauging and finally come out with a decision that is definitely best for my friend from hurt?

No. Not thankful.
No. Not even appreciative.
And NO. In the end, i seem like a fool.

All for a friend. All for being such a long-nosed woman. All for being a big mouth to agree with someone whom is supposed to be the closest to her.

Blamed by duno what oso. damn.

I can't believe i got to argue with her over this sicko. I hope she wakes up soon. I don't wanna hear another word from her mouth after i said so much. Everything seemed wrong ok. Perhaps i'm just afraid she'll really take things light and chuck me aside.

Fine also. Bickering is common. I just hope that this argument won't get too serious.

For if she's gonna let me down and put the friendship to break.

I'm not going to take her back, when she realise that beneath the apparent beauty of such bitter sweet love, is a pile of rotten shit. Because to me, at that point, she had belittled the friendship.

I hope she realises, whatever i said, is because i do care for her. I've been through that. I will NEVER WANT TO SEE my friend in the same situation like i've been through.

It's too fatal to take.

haizzzzzzzzzzzz.... plssssss wakeeeeeee upppppppppp ................................

Chapter 16...: Collated Thoughts

2008-04-12T15:55:00.002+08:00

I have the tendancy to take things hard when somethings told to me were impactful, and I couldn't help. Or perhaps, I could, but i wouldn't.

It spells out only one mood.

F-U-C-K-E-D U-P.

These stupid collated thoughts turned into dreams and haunt me. This is how POWERFUL that impact was. And I must still say, I WASN'T SORRY FOR ALL THAT I'VE DONE, OR HAVEN'T DO.

Some of those that were bothering me:

1. Janet and her money problem and her "i think" schizophrenia problem.

2. Kelvin and his "i think" schizophrenia problem.

3. Victor and his fucked up relationship with me before, and his current sickening actions.

4. The fucked up STI Slide that haunted me. All because, I daren't call back to my clients.

5. Job switch. I hadn't been able to bring myself to tell all my clients I had switched company.

6. Mother. Somehow if she's gonna attempt to affect me with her negativity I'm gonna shut out.

7. Money. I hadn't been doing any income generating actions lately. I know how but I wouldn't.

8. Tummy. I hope my menses come quick. I pictured babies lately. Good ones, evil ones.

9. My attitude. It just sunk to its deepest vexation. No such word as that. But understandable.

10. Childhood. It just haunt me. I feel like my childhood wasn't adequate in its JOY proportion.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ANYWAY.

That Janet matter is driving me crazy. Each time I saw her nick on msn it really pisses me off. I don't have money to lend. Or perhaps, I DO HAVE. But i simply don't have the money to GIVE.

Lewis and I met up with her the other day. The way she talks to me seemed normal. But somehow when she told me about her "vision", it really does bother me. It seemed to me like she's having some mental problems or what but both Kelvin and her just don't look good to me.

How so?

Look, before Kel ever confessed to me, Janet told Kel that she's got this vision of Kel and herself getting married. She got this vision when she was praying in a church. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting vision. But Kel told her to "exchange her vision" with God, in order to get together with me.

Upon listening up to this point, I will like to express my disgust to what Kel told Janet. But the thing is, Janet is a woman who loves Kel. It's definitely not a vision from God. It might be her own imagination. Even talking to Janet, she would bring up Kel to talk about now and then. I mean, she even told me before that she felt "pain" and "dislike" when Kel was splurging his money in attempt to "court me". All that I'd heard, now that another new episode of her God's Angel, it really got on my nerves that all that was done, might be done out of "mindless-ness".

Meaning

Schizophrenic Doings.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Perhaps this God Angel Thing was done, by Kel himself.

It is HIGHLY POSSIBLE.

I wish that Lewis is right now beside me. He will surely talk me through.

I felt guilty. How so?

I know Kel as a "sensitive young man". Him who swore to get close with no other girls after me, would never had his mind changed this fast unless it's his own doing and he told me beforeeeeeeee.....

1. He nearly turned into a gay, or a woman.
2. He has bouts of depression before
3. He's got a "creative" mind
4. He is ignorant, and he listens to his mother 100% even up till now
5. He's never been in love, and in a relationship before
6. He easily "disturbed", on spiritual level.

ok.

Now that he's got so much problems. How can I not be convinced that the God Angel's thing might be his own doing?

Aiyo.

Why i take it onto myself???

Fuck man.

But I simply feel guilty. aieeeeeeeee... i need Lewis here with me badly. >_<.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Another stupid man whom is driving me crazy.

Victor.

What is it on my facebook did you do again?

I can feel your stupid and irritable frustration but on my side, in my mind, I feel like u're going crazy and yes, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE PRONE TO DEPRESSION BUT THAT DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN ME!

Shit. I wish I have the courage to get back at you to confront all those that you'd done on me.

Violence aside.

Mentally you had given me an entire bomb of your stupid "not able to understand what i'm talking" shit.

WORSE.

You never admit, that you were immature in your doings.

YOU JUST NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG! Fine.

Stop doing anything behind my back. If you were talented enough to get hold of this blog address, SEE WHAT I TYPE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Stop it.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chapter 15...: to my HORROR

2008-04-01T05:57:00.006+08:00

So much hesitation and finally now i'm typing these...

TO EVERYONE :

MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HACKED. PLEASE DELETE YOURSELVES FROM MY FACEBOOK PROFILE. THANK U.

What exactly happened had disgusted me. But the same time, it had made me felt like i've done something 100% impactful on a man who once loved me. He said he once fell for a bitch. I've not been labelled one before. But if i were to label him, he's no better than a jerk.

This HE whom i typed above is my ex - V.

Yes. I couldn't sleep whole night cuz of him. He whom declared that I had not been truthful to him, had cheated on him. Caused his studies to take a plunge. That I had destroyed him. All the humiliation I caused him. ETC. BUT FUCK, please turn around and then take that slap back. You were the one who caused it too. You ain't so innocent. Stop shifting everything to me like i've laundered ur assets, burned your house down, raped your sister, killed your family and disfigured you. Damn.

What did you do, that made you like this? Have you ever wondered?

1. You kept me when I wanted and needed to go. You insisted on keeping the relationship when both of us already had mutually understood, we're destructive.

2. You tried so damn hard to change and twist me. You know I couldn't help it. You wanted me to be in YOUR WAY, to SUIT YOU. Too bad, it didn't turn out as what it was expected.

3. My filthy mouth aside, yours isn't any better. Your use of sarcasms on me turned into insults. Yet, you have had your way to deny it through. In the end, I was left with nothing but to accept.

4. Yes, you WERE gentle before. You WERE nice to me before. You WERE my lover before. But that doesn't mean, what u said MUST BE TRUE! What u told me before, ALL OF IT, THAT I CANNOT FIND A MAN WHO IS BETTER THAN YOU, THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, THEY WERE ALL NONSENSE, AND THEY WOULDN'T COME TRUE, BUT, AT THAT TIME ONLY, THAT'S BECAUSE, YOU WERE THE MAN, THEN!

5. I hadn't done you any wrong by saying ' I do not see a future with you.' We both know. I had asked you before. You too, said you couldn't see a future with me. Since we're unable to see future, why carry on? On the contrary, if i can see a very clear future with another man, what makes me a bitch for turning to another man? I don't think you're very smart at this. To further explain, I had already showed you 99% of all the breakup signals. I never thought you would be as smart as holding on to the 1%, of not letting me go.

6. You can be sued for slander by calling me a bitch, hurling all those vulgarities at me, and even bragged that you had once been violent to be before. Discount? Your attitude is incorrigible. I do not wish to really talk to someone this barbaric.

7. I had loved you before. U took this for a ride. Fine. It's ok. Afterall, we're quits. It's the END. You wouldn't wish to accept any of what i typed? It's only because you thought you were the only one putting in effort. In your eyes, what i had done before, they were practically as minute as dusts.

8. Communication breakdown. You're too long-winded and detailed. You blame me for my horrible memory. Each and single event that you had remembered and I had forgotten, you would said i had CONVENIENTLY FORGOTTEN IT CLEAN. What sarcasm! How do u want to force me to remember things that i couldn't!? Fuck up ok. You even nitpicked me on the english i used. Said my command of english sucked. Said that I couldn't coherently express what I had in mind to you. In the end, I lost all patience to talk to you, and you still carried on your old grandfather story. Hello! I'M REALLY NOT MADE TO TALK TO YOU. You knew it. And YOU TOO, couldn't stand talking to me. We both KNOW. What makes you think you don't have a problem with yourself then?

9. Graciousness seemed to cease it's existence in your mind's dictionary. You took back almost 90% of what you had from me, nvm. You even sent me an email to tell me what I owed you still. Told me u were unsatisfied with the conditions? Please. Its been years your shit stucked with me. Be grateful that none of your books were crumpled or folded. I kept them in the BEST CONDITION already. You wanna hiam, go cry alone in that corner. I ain't gonna be bothered. What layered above all covers of your stuff were just dusts. Clean it urself, will you?

10. I'm truly sorry for only one thing i did to you. I shouldn't have started with you. All those inputs and outputs of the relationship tore us down. You thought you were the victim don't you? All these years of tugging and pushing and pulling and kicking matters around, you knew that our end, is never marriage. You are just refusing to let me go.

stubborn asshole...

Chapter 14... : Lotsa baddies first.

2008-03-30T14:13:00.004+08:00

Btw, in case anyone's wondering why there wasn't a Chapter 13 post, it's because I HAD TAKEN IT DOWN. lalala. I dislike 13. >(

Anyway, there's lotsa updates here. Let me display my newly mastered "owl" characteristic to start categorising the topics i would like to discuss on my agenda. ><

1. Pissed off, right now (dad).
2. Pissed off, right now (mum).
3. Sister In Hospital (discharged today)
4. Job (professionalism and inadequacy)
5. Self (goal setting)
6. Love Life <3

**********************************
1. Pissed off right now at Dad.

He had this power to piss me off many times in a day, and seriously, i think he needs to get a life. Damn it. I called his mobile. Told him to help me get a book by paying for it first and I WILL PAY HIM LATER. Guess what?

- He did not pick my call up.
- He called me later on and kup my phone
- I called him back again he did not pick up again.
- He called back later on and this was what he said.

DAD - "huh? i thought your sister paid for it already?"

ME - "No? Since when did she pay things like this herself? It was me who initiated."

DAD - "Then did u pay then? No, i think your sister paid for it and i'm just supposed to collect."

ME - "I told you it was me who said about the payment! Not herrrrrr..."

DAD - "Den how much? Why that time never pay when u see her?"

ME - "How would I know I will need to pay her the moment i see her? she dun have the book that time oso. By the way, it cost like $20+. You pay first i pay u later."

DAD - "Get it done yourself. I no money!"

-KUP-

NABEI?! kns... kup my fone with I NO MONEY! kns la. $20+ nia... i say i pay u back later rite! wth... really get my nerve up. nvm. I BUY LIAO U CANNOT SEE. kns. I got to go down to LIPPO Centre myself to get that book lor. NVM. kns. Don't even know if he's serious about not getting the book or not. Darn.

**********************************

2. Pissed off at mum, just now.

Look. I was eating my maggie mee that time when she CALLED MY DAD. Dad told me to go down 10 mins later.

I asked why.

Dad said mum's coming up and needs my help to carry somethings. I said "Ok". But i added that "mum will call me when she reaches."

Usually, she does this when she needs my help. 90% of the time she'll make a call to me. OK?

I was waiting for her call. After i finished eating my noodles and drank my soup. Nope, there wasn't any calls.

Minutes later i saw mum and my sis at the door. Obviously she looked pissed off and she started shouting. Told me how heavy were those baggages she was carrying. I relented. What else can i say? She did not call me, which was really out of what i had expected. Ok. So i helped her at the door, with the baggages...

it was surprisingly light.

I told her. "not heavy wad..."

She scolded "i asked u to come down 10 mins !!! wtf u doing at home?!"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz KNS. U WAN MY HELP U CALL MY HANDPHONE, NOT CALL MY DAD'S HANDPHONE! U RELAYED THE MESSAGE TO HIM AND NOT TO ME! Really u know, USUALLY YOU WOULD CALL MY HANDPHONE WHEN U'RE REACHING! I had been waiting afterall, for ur call. And the baggages were light. What the hell are u shouting at me exactly? For not showing face by going down to help you? Now u turned ur back on me, it's ok. Scolded that I had done nothing at home, never wash bowls, etc. Fine. Shooted me like a machine gun, but it's ok!

I SHOUTED BACK, "I HAD WASHED ALL THE DAMN BOWLS ALRITE!"

-SLAM- i do not wish to talk to u right now.

**********************************

3. Sister In Hospital

Oh yes. My sister was in the hospital for some days cause of her operation and I was really worried for her. Kinda upset when i saw her kena all the tubes poked into her flesh. Heart pain la. Afterall she's my beloved fattie cat. <3

She was admitted in the hospital like 2-3 days ago, i do not remember when... (my memory again). But the first day after her operation was so heart wrenching. The general anesthesia had worn her out. It caused her giddiness and bouts of pain. Here and there. Especially her throat. She could not drink water cause of her operation. She had bruises on her face, which swelled like a winter melon. Her jaw, her mouth, her nose, was bleeding. Tubes and needle were inserted in her left hand, one into her nasal, another one into her throat, and last, in bladder. It looked like she's just went through a major operation and looked damn vulnerable.

But what astonishes me was what she vomitted if she's "too giddy" or i "fed her too much water".

She vomitted blood.

Damn. Imagine i was there, about to cry when i saw this. I was goddamn worried. Her first puke kena my face.... Blood lai eh. Not a lot, some nia, i wiped it off. Helped her with all that i can. Her 2nd puke never kena me. But it was in the middle of the night like 2-3am. haiszz. Nvm. She ok liaos.

I took care of her for a night without sleeping. Imagine. I was sleeping beside her bed (on an armchair) till about 5am, and i was chased out by a nurse. She told me "You can't stay in here... Sorry, but can you go outside sleep?" I was flabbergasted. What can i say? Flare at her? Nope. I went out.

Lucky me. That time when i was out, the "黑社会" had retreated themselves by half. I managed to occupy just ONE SEAT and slept the night through (i thought i could)... But it was like 45 mins later, they came back, wagged their fast tongues in sonorous tones. I suffered from semi-deafness. I psychoed myself to sleep till 8.10am. I woke up. >_<.

But whatever it is, after i woke up, she looked better already. Hmmm, no giddiness no vomitings. Yesterday i went down at about 2.30am to catch a glimpse of her. Wanna make sure she's alright. Lewis drove me down. (hugs, thanks hun..). She's better.

So now about my sis? She's now at home, just discharged. Good. <3

**********************************

4. Job (Professionalism and inadequacy)

To be exact, I feel inadequate in this financial line. It seems like it's a job that i personally cannot hold myself up to.

I asked myself many times, why i hadn't been able to work efficiently. What was restricting or holding me back so much. In fact, all these answers are simply because I felt inadequate.

Inadequate in knowledge. Inadequate financially. Inadequate in contacts. Inadequate in education. Inadequate in professionalism. Inadequate in self-confidence. Inadequate in team-spirit. Inadequate in rewards/ incentive. Inadequate in feeling "needed" by my team.

There are many inadequacies.

So much so it dragged me down and I'm sinking.

I held onto Lewis, for him to open me up, and talk to me. In areas like this, there can only be someone i feel very close to me, that i allow, to let myself discover with this "someone", what i needed to do. Alternatively, I approached Yvonne. She will be one to teach me to be more "organised" from now on. I allowed her because, i really cannot find anyone as systematic as her. She's just damn organised. LOL.

In fact, i never knew myself to be this messy and have this "JUST DO IT LA" attitude, until i joined this line.

In the nutshell, I just need a system which i can truly conform. Not a system that was already set up, but I cannot blend in well.

Whatever it is, I'm trying to blend. Trying and doing it, very hard.

I just lost my motivation to carry on, somewhere. Perhaps it will really really be better, for myself to just do things on my own than in a team which i cannot really, fit into... I'm sick of this self-destructive attitude.

**********************************

5. Self (goal setting)

I clearly understands that every successful person will have something in their mind that they are fighting for. Be it for their family or loved ones, be it for self-fulfilment, be it for someone else, or something that they cherish or yearn for, right now i clearly know i cannot be successful because I truly do not know what or who to fight for. In short, I lacked a goal.

I'm in a state of delusion where I cannot find fulfilment in most things that i am doing, or had done. I lost this sense of direction for actualisation. This feeling of job satisfaction. The BINGO! feel of doing something right and being rewarded for the right application of job and soul onto what I aimed for.

I need a goal. Can someone please help me discover what i truly need to achieve?

Damn. For this. I need help. I need to bring my state back. Else, everything that was done, or still doing, really, they do not seem real to me. Just when can i get this sense of reality back to myself?

Or has things been too good to be true for me, I could not turn my back around and pick my lost limbs?

If not, it must be because I had been overexposed to cynical people, overexposed to too much criticisms and too much comments which I hadn't been able to accept psychologically, I had lost my self-confidence and my leadership trait.

Who will bring back this arcane feelings I had lost?

**********************************

6. Love Life <3

Nothing beats this. Ok. =)

My love life has been fulfiling. Very very fulfiling. I seemed like a married woman, totally attached to her husband, totally conforming and totally understanding.

For him, everything is worth it, and will be worth it. I really find this part inexplicable already. LOL.

With him, everything became easier. I slowly approach life, without much doubts as i had before. I slowly opened up my heart to people. I am transforming into someone better...

A born follower, as i am. I need a true leader whom i can follow for life. I love him to bits. =)

Chapter 12... Convo w Eric (look back, focus front)

2008-03-15T15:53:00.003+08:00

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
ERIC ERIC
=D
i missed u

*ڱ E c h O says:
OMG
who's that guy
lol

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
my hubby lor
why why?
so loving looking rite.

*ڱ E c h O says:
so scary ja ma

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
u busy busy ah

*ڱ E c h O says:
because I am talking to u...then I see a man's picture
it's scary

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
hahahaha
orh
i change

*ڱ E c h O says:
and u know how much u guys look alike ga la
it's like Laura had become a man

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
..........wtf... got so alike until i look like man! hahahaha. nvm!!! i listen le i happy!
eric eric
i show u a pic

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
so cute rite --->
aiyo.... haha

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol
yes la

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
hahaha gosh eric
so much to tell u
i'm over over over the moonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

*ڱ E c h O says:
haha, this is funny
http://www.chaosmatrix.org/library/humor/reject.html
what happened over past week this time ah?

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
wahahaha
how to say neh

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
things between me n him evolved till so much
i think we can really get married anytime
hahahaha
and yes eric
i introduce u one japanese movie
i bet ok
10000000000000000000000% with u
that u'll cry like nobody'sbusiness
Sky of Love ????
n after watching this movie with lewis
gosh... i cherish him more

*ڱ E c h O says:
so much in so little time
what had you guys been doing ha?

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
...
what
!
hmmm what ah

*ڱ E c h O says:
did you like see him everyday?

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
we got a series of activities

*ڱ E c h O says:
ya, that's probably why

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
why neh? got problem ga?

*ڱ E c h O says:
it's progressing "too fast"
but being ??????, it's ok geh.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
hmmm
but what he n i both need in fundamental rite
meaning the basic, the root of this whole thing between me n him is common wor
we both need Presence...
sometimes seeing him for a while can alr
but well, u may be right la
haha..
if u lookon the other side
i've been tgt w his friends as well wor
does that constitute problems? similarly, he also get involved w my friends ga... like together we listen to their problems
den 2 brains to solve it faster
wtf is wrong w that letter. HAHAHAHHAA

*ڱ E c h O says:
nothing's wrong geh
it's just that
when things are too "perfect" at the beginning of the relationship
and when shit happens later on, you will always refer back to this stage.
where you live in a dream everyday

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
oh...
i c...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
so in ur opinion la
what shd be done?
in this r/s rite
i've not been like before
i've changed to be good natured
i've quitted the argument thing in me
even talking to mum
i used my most gentle tone
it wasn't like this before
i was so damn bloody rebellious n defiant, every word that she said just seemed like she's stepped on my toe again
i'll rant and shout and scream
><
but now it's such a change i've never been before
i've even converted to the young me
where i report things to her
where i even tell her what time i'm coming home, where i'm going, who i'm with and what she wants to eat if possible...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
i even convinced myself that using past as REFERENCE TO MISTAKES ... nv to commit... etc..
hmmmmmmm so much explanation from me, eric ah
am i being defensive? =/ i'm just figuring out...

*ڱ E c h O says:
both.
No one understands yourself more than, well, you.
But I am just speaking from what I feel.
I am not targetting at you.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
orh

*ڱ E c h O says:
I mean, ideally
I would hope that your relationship remains the same way for a very very long time.
but reality check, one day, conflict will happen
and thats when the real test begins
for any relationship
but right now
just enjoy the honeymoon period
build up as much happy memories as you can.
but when conflicts arise, you are also prepared and not create a big fuss over it.
other people didn't expect it so when stuff happens, they ended in bad terms.
Just be understand
ing*
compromise
they are all keys to prolonging a happy r/s

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
hmm
yes
i agree totally
so for now
perhaps i'll not think of any bad stuff
i'll focus on being happy
create many many happy memories
so when bad stuff happen
i will know and will understand that
it's just some conflict that's inevitable
understanding him from past to present to future is the most important thing...
that in argument if both gets harsh
we know it's just ... for a moment of spite...
human afterall..

*ڱ E c h O says:
good la, if you can think like this, 我都放心

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。 says:
haha.. thank u eric! =D

*ڱ E c h O says:
Cause if bad stuff do happen, I be here to listen anyway
but i prefer to keep listening good stuff
haha.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
HAHAHAHA
r/s is a weird thing
it takes a dip on both sides
our job is to balance it
=D

*ڱ E c h O says:
ya
and like
when u are happy, u feel like u are in heaven
and when things go wrong
it's like oging to hell
ur heart and feelings will be so vulnerable

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
u need to compensate heaven to get out of hell...

*ڱ E c h O says:
feel expwsosed.
yes
find a balance

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
yup.

*ڱ E c h O says:
and just...stay on earth
but prefer to be on a higher place
so closer to heaven

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
ideally, i would want to be in heaven
and he and i both in heaven
we'll b happy there
=D
and just don't sin
repentttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

*ڱ E c h O says:
i am a bad person, so I look up from hell
lol

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
hahaha
actually eric
with him
everything in my world
turned and changed for the better...
i'm so grateful to him

*ڱ E c h O says:
hahaha
good la

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
he's influenced me so much
i get so much so much closer with my very loved mother
i love my mother more than anyone else in the world...
and he somehow la
JUST SOMEHOW
makes me love my mother more
and i even show it out
it's so impossible to hug my mother
but i'm trying now
.................................. i can't believe it either
but i'm so happy
so happy that i finally turned back. finally able to talk to her nicely, hear it once again, her pleasant response to me, in face, or over the fone...
hear her shielding me from dad
whne i got home late
hear her shielding me from many relatives when they said i'm wild and bad...
................................................ that's perhaps the reason why
i wanna get so close to Lewis...
he's brought my true nature to life... once again.

*ڱ E c h O says:
aiii
good good
now that's the kind of "boyfriend" any girl should have
bring values into a r/s
and help shape the girl into a happier person
who's proud of who she is

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
=D
he showed my picture to all his friends
hahaha, bring me to show to all his friends
and i know when he did that, my job is to feel comfortable with it. and i'll not disgrace him either, cuz it's all his beloved bros. i'll mingle with them, and together with lewis, we're a unit.
=)
i was not like this before

*ڱ E c h O says:
hhahah
so clingy now
in a sweet way

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
i used to be one who sat at a corner
face black black
thinking that by bf had... ditched me
for his bros
but with lewis
i want to get involved
very very involved in his life
haha... and eric
i'm glad i asked u before
how cancerians are like
=/ and u told me
good for a husband
LOL
so i really go for it.
then i realised
all along since i'm young
i'm looking for a husband
not a boyfriend
=/ LOL. the expectations that i once laid
seem NOT LIKE EXPECTATIONS at all when it comes to him
my DEMANDING that all of my ex said

*ڱ E c h O says:
it just comes naturally
from him
without you requesting anything

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
he just thinks that it's part of all relationship

*ڱ E c h O says:
how perfect is that huh?
haha

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
hahaha....
i don't wish to think that it's perfect

*ڱ E c h O says:
now, let me find that girl who will appreciate who I am.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
cuz.. i know it's never perfect in everythng

*ڱ E c h O says:
as, the ways you describe the kind of person Lewis is..

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
but there are surely perfections in some areas...

*ڱ E c h O says:
it's pretty similar to me.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
HAHAHA

*ڱ E c h O says:
or what I want to give into my gf
or had given
the difference is
26 yr old and 22 yr old is fine
but 22 and 18 isn't

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
? 26 n 22?

*ڱ E c h O says:
u and him

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
22 n 18?
he's 28
LOL

*ڱ E c h O says:
ok..28 and 22
is still fine
the key lies in the girls' age
18 not settle

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
not reali geh
trust me it's not the age only

*ڱ E c h O says:
at least the ones I met/went out with

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
it's the mindset
how their family groomed them
my mother groomed me to find a boyfriend who can be my husband
that's why whatever she asked for
whatever she demand from me in my bf
is different
now i finally understood, why she failed some of my relationships and what i used to hate her for
it's her greatest love as a mother for me
why she'd rather disown me
than to make me accept a man
who she really feels
cannot be a husband
why she's so damn frank when she said
"break up with him. else dun call me mother."
i finally understood.
I really thank Lewis for it. He makes me see...
oh gosh.
saying this
tears are welling up
>< cuz i used to be so bad to mother...
hais. now tears fell

*ڱ E c h O says:
/hug

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
i've made a plan
if she lives for another 30 years
and i'm 22 this year
i'm gonna compensate her
with 30 years of goodness
8 years bonus
for all the shit and wrong i've done, since i'm 14 to 22
it's also 8 years
i broke up with ex at 22.
so really. what a timing. HAHAHA

*ڱ E c h O says:
still have time

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
ya
=D
Eric eric i thank u too
woahs.. u must be crowned
Lewis will love u too
hahaha
u've been such a great bro to me. despite, us knowing each other for just
2 months?
DOTA is really something that brings us together
hahaha... i'm glad i played that
=x

*ڱ E c h O says:
haha
aww, you are so sweet!
Seeing that you recognized me as a brother, I can't just sit here and do nothing ma

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
hahahah
u're really a great bro
serious
u've guided me in some areas of my life
make me realise that sometimes...
life's not that harsh
i shd really relax
hahahaa
n dun keep thinking of those logicals, dun keep trying to rationalise thing, dun keep nitpicking some decisions that shd be made with feelings instead of the stupid counting brain
u gave me a direction and spurred me on to getting my heart's key
i'm so damn grateful to u ga. u duno meh? hahahaha now u do rite~!

*ڱ E c h O says:
now I do!
haha, the best way to win a pisce over is to show appreciation
since I give a lot, and when I am recognized for what I did, me love that person!
hahaha
well, you helped me too la.
right now I am fine, but whenever and whoever the next case's gonna be, you better be around to listen!
haha

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
of course!
hahaha
well
that's what lewis said to me too
i appreciates him
i tellhim what i'm happy about
i show him that i'm grateful of what he did for me
i never used to be like this
now i duno why
i keep doing it
and i know it makes one feel really happy
and i want to do more
i want it to be in my nature
and it's good for me
cuz i'm recognising my own feelings too
=D
bro !!! JIAYOU
whahahahaha
perhaps ur nx may be a blond
=D

*ڱ E c h O says:
hahaha!
Seeing you so happy makes me happy la.

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
ahahaha
eh eh
what's the time over there
u no need sleep is it
!
go sleep la
it's damn late already over there

*ڱ E c h O says:
I sleep soon la
3am

我拥有了属于我的幸福，那就是你。says:
yea lah
go go go

*ڱ E c h O says:
ho la, then I will talk to you later

******************************************************

I'm so happy. <3>

Chapter 11... 幸福

2008-03-10T13:58:00.008+08:00

I will love to thank Lewis for his presence in my life. He brings me huge abundance of joy and happiness in my life. All prolific love, appreciation, cherish, attention, motivation, trust and belief. Man... I do love him so much i can scrutinize it down from bits and pieces to molecules and atoms. I had never ever felt so happy before. I had never known this feeling of life's attachment. I never thought I'd reach this stage of happiness. Its so unknown! Its life!He has opened up a new door in my life and is so prepared to journey in with me. I can see him, in all directions. I can feel him even with my eyes closed. It's a very special and dear feeling. One that tells u straightaway, He's Your Man.

原来。。。以前我对幸福的认识是那么的陌生。也原来。。。这次的感觉，才是幸福。

I need to thank you. Because you had put something special into me. It's more than courage.

******************************************************************
for you only. says:
orh
jenny ah i ask u sth
what do u think of lewis?

jennywawa says:
not my type
lols

for you only. says:
other than NOT UR TYPE got other answer or not har
LOL kns, if ur type den what m i suppose to say oso

jennywawa says:
lols...
1st and most direct ans mah

for you only. says:
as MY BOYFRIEND LA
aiyo... u cock de
LOL

jennywawa says:
oik la... on the serious note
he really appreciates u
for you only. says:

jennywawa says:
i cannot judge whether he really loves u anot mah
love is between u n him
only u can feel it
others wont know de

for you only. says:
... ya...
on serious note.. hmm...
thanks!!! haha...

jennywawa says:
right mah?
=))

for you only. says:
haha... actually... he teach me a lot of thing that makes me feel like a changed person.
and i like the change. it makes me appreciate many things around me.
and many people too. =)
so lidat leh, NEVER FORSAKE UR JIE MEI
cuz know so damn bloody long. if never keep in contact, really very lang fei
life is so black and white with people who knows u so little compared with people who knows u for years...
den u feel like u're walking in and out...
this is a feeling, i will never get, when i'm with my ex.
he only makes me wanna avoid people..
so now, i must do many things to compensate what i lose before. =D lidat den good.
imagine when we all married
wakakaka.... the feeling...
of people and sisters so close to u
it's a big big bonus, on top of u having found ur laogong.

jennywawa says:
imagine " eh lula.. 3 que 1 ah"

for you only. says:
HAHAHAHA
den damn funny lor
must really make it happen la
we know each other so long
if never maintain
really very lang fei
very very
den u imagine nx time marry liao
ur laogong introduce us ur house, ur baby, ur everything share with him
den we laugh at the past
his foolishness, and his gratefulness... of u, who still stays with him, lovingly.
we will definitely reach that stage.
JIAYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************************

Tell me the meaning of 前所未有。If you do not know the meaning clear enough, see what i typed to jenny. I had never ever, done this before in my life.

Speaking my thoughts out, explicitly.

haha.. so another thing, what Eric said of it. xD

******************************************************************

for you only. says:
if i give birth nnow la
n u dun mind 23 years diff.

*ڱ E c h O says:
i am god-father!!!!

for you only. says:
AHHAHAHAHAAHA

*ڱ E c h O says:
HAHAHAHAH

for you only. says:
my kids will have a lot of god fathers
confirm

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol

for you only. says:
his brothers + my bros!
wakakakaka

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol
tell your child a story

for you only. says:
n they'll be showered with love... presents... a lot of godfather's love too...

*ڱ E c h O says:
of a god-father far far away
in a cold country
call Canada

for you only. says:
HAHAHAHAHAA

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol

for you only. says:
den my child will wanna go c u
can la can
NO PROBLEM GA LA

*ڱ E c h O says:
yes yes

for you only. says:
YEAH YEAH
den imagine
she's sucha pretty babe
knock on ur door...
"god dad?" *stares with shimmering eyes*

*ڱ E c h O says:
<-- that?

for you only. says:
YES YES
hahahahhahahaa
DEN U'LL GRAB HER IN
"come ah loi! eat!!!"
HAHAHAHA
i'm sure my decendants will be pretty de

*ڱ E c h O says:
乖女！你啊妈leh?

for you only. says:
HAHAHAHA
妈妈在美国

*ڱ E c h O says:
卖了去金山

for you only. says:
....

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol

for you only. says:
爸爸也去金山了，买妈妈
LOL

*ڱ E c h O says:
lol

for you only. says:
but serious leh
really very interesting wor
must make it happen. except the 金山 part

*ڱ E c h O says:
ya, life is interesting
haha yes yes

for you only. says:
i was so damn dead last time
darn. i can't believe it
now im so happy and free

*ڱ E c h O says:
yup.
and so much
within 2 months
since I met you
so much had happened to you
you changed your job
you had a new (and much improved) boyfriend aka husband
you have a new bro in freezing Canada.
Life's interesting isn't it?
Got rid of a Kevin
Now trying to get rid of J's not-so-man-boyfriend

for you only. says:
hahahaha... super eh... LOLS
u see what i type to her
*refer to pasted from jenny*

*ڱ E c h O says:
ya
i am happy for you

for you only. says:
HAHAHA it's lewis
i wasn't like this before...
i thank him...

*ڱ E c h O says:
yup
u out of the darkness
therefore
i can sleep
though I am afraid of the dark
you can all shiny now
lightt the corner up for me
******************************************************************

many times... i ask myself before... Will i really marry the right man. How will i know if he is the so called "RIGHT MAN"? Now, i know le.

Thank you so much darling. =D *hugs*

Chapter 10... Looking Back!

2008-03-07T18:16:00.006+08:00

KNS... reading Jenny's blog really fire up that thing in me... darn... (dun ask me what's that thing i don't know too. LOL). I co-read her bf's blog. and i found out the reason why! DARN... HE'S JUST A COWARD...

i know i was a coward before. i know it well! that's why i know that feeling perfectly! but thing is if he don't talk ..... den really end liao eh!

look.. at... the..... mSN.... CONVO!!

J: hello?
(no response)
J: hello? dardar ah?
G: wad?
J: lula jio go the IT fair later leh u wan go?
G: i not free
~kup~ <--- MEANS HANG THE CALL UP
J: .....

fookkkk... up man... this stupid guy. age 23. pls la... so many guys at ur age are so much more MATURE LOR...
*REFER TO ERIC HO* <--- eric! darn, pls comment.

NOW LET'S SEE THE STUPID BOY'S BLOG (i quoted it)

i may talk v harshly,
i may act like i dun care,
i may jus look like an ignorant bastard..
but no1 will eva noe how im feeling inside me..

LET ME TELL U WHAT I TOLD JENNY. (when she's bathing i dun think she hv time to reply)

for you only. says:

i feel like slapping ur boy

his blog is a pile of fucked up rubbish

he MAY TALK VERY HARSHLY OR HE ALR DID IT? and ACT LIKE DUN CARE? what may? he did it. and MAY LOOK LIKE AN IGNORANT BASTARD? he is alr one!

fucked up, no one knows what he's feeling inside BECAUSE HE DUN EVEN KNOW HOW TO OPEN HIS FUCKING MOUTH TO TALK! how to know? god ah? he needs to know one thing ok. one simple thing that is U ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND NOT HIS MOTHER. even his mother who gave birth to him oso may misunderstood him

let alone his girlfriend? siao ah? sound so pathetic lidat. in fact, this blog he wrote really makes him look pathetic la. piang. dun wan talk out say ppl duno the feeling. HOW TO KNOW SIA?eh, u not god, if not, u're not a psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor leh! if wanna know, also need his cooperation

how to one-sided guess and guess?? this is ignorance! and being one who don't really want to talk it out is being DON'T CARE! and when u try to coax him and he blast at u, it's TALKING VERY HARSHLY! piang... i think in the end he's just stupid. he just want to run away

run and run and say rather break ur heart etc, what shit is this? RATHER <-- what he means? RATHER BREAK UR HEART BY ENDING EVERYTHING? he got a problem with himself. HE WOULD RATHER NOT WORK IT OUT HIMSELF, HE'D RATHER GIVE U UP! piang... fucking irresponsible...

siao man... i see liao... i remember of my past... he's just another bastard. he better grow up and face it that he got to continue with u and solve problems with u together. if not, i'll also not encourage u to get together with him. as word of advice..

it's really pissing me offfffffffffffffffffffff...... >.<

Chapter 9... bits of happiness and sadness = life

2008-03-05T16:37:00.006+08:00

I was talking to jenny just now on the msn. i saw her posts. it was all emotional. the man she's with now is tearing her up. i can't bear to see her like this. it's hurting me. =(

i jioed her to dinner tomorrow, hope i can make it la... =/ i hate to stay at home all day also. haha. she asked if i need to pah tor or not. i said no need. why? because the immediate help is for her le. She felt unwanted. SHE FELT UNWANTED?! WTF IS THIS? thanks to that bloody eugene. stupid and childish guy. i wonder.

Why do 2 people love each other this much can end up hurting each other this badly. i had it before. i couldn't understand it too. so i choose to just stay happy all the way. whatever hurt or shit that comes i will just solve them one by one. running away is NOT THE WAY TO SOLVE A PROBLEM LEH! hais hais hais..... =( what did that eugene do to u man... i wish i can kill him for u. wtf is he thinking and doing... wtf la...

YOU SEE WHAT THAT FUCKER DID TO HER!
j: dinner wan?
g: dunwan
j: why not?
g: cos not la
j: dun feel like dinner or dun feel like seeing me?
g: both

great...

WTF.. SEE LIAO DULAN. IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I KENA BEFORE. argh. fucked up. i'm never gonna be in this state again. see liao can cry... hais... =(

on the flip side when she's actually depressing... i felt happy about mine. i feel so guilty la. =/ i don't know why i feel like this also. weirdz rite. =/

so finally. let me post a few pictures of us up ba. =)

hmmm high chance that we're smart people. look at our forehead~ it's so damn high and shiny lor. LOL! some people said we look alike, do we?